Liberty Nation has put out a BOLO (Be On the Look-Out) for the Easter Bunny. We’re seeking corroboration of a report that Dolley Madison was the first to begin the national Easter egg roll in 1814. Still no word yet from the missing bunny. However, it has been confirmed that the pre-cursor to the White House Easter Egg Roll was held on the grounds of the U.S. Capitol — but cranky Congressmen passed a law sometime in the late 1870’s making it illegal to use the area as a children’s playground. Unsubstantiated reports have it that the Easter Bunny was not pleased. So, Lucy Hayes, wife of none other than Rutherford B. himself, took matters into her own hands and moved the Egg roll over to the White House where it still takes place today.
Unnamed sources say another big fan of the egg roll was Teddy Roosevelt who loved children and loved to shoot bunnies. Okay, maybe not bunnies but just about everything else.
Speaking of old cranks, Silent Cal aka Calvin Coolidge aka The Sphinx of the Potomac, as he was sometimes known, put aside his uptight Calvinist ways (the Chosen Frozen comes to mind) and away they rolled in 1929 – pre-crash, of course.
American copyright-free pictorial history of the White House Egg Roll is a bit thin during the middle of the 20th century. Word has it the Easter Bunny was hiding out during the Great Depression and beyond, though we’re certain he made his presence known as “the torch was passed to a new generation” during the Kennedy years. Who knows, maybe some of old Joe Kennedy’s booze attracted him back to the White House lawn. Jackie was known to serve cocktails at most White House events following the dry, spare years under the iron fist of Mamie Eisenhower.
Finally, when American history tells us it was “morning in America” the bunny showed up for the Reagan Revolution. And while Nancy Reagan wasn’t exactly known as the Queen of Mean (I think that moniker might have belonged to Leona Helmsley, but don’t quote me on that), the First Lady was spotted on the White House South lawn between two Easter Bunnies and Spider-Man. Despite the fact that the day belonged solely to the Easter Bunny, Mrs. Reagan was captured holding the hand of Spider-Man. There must be some profound symbolism to this, so if you have any plausible theories, please let me know. As proof positive of this, I’d show you the evidence of this in color, but then some irritated photographer who has this picture copyrighted would sue me. But hey, if inquiring minds think I’m fabricating this — click here.
Next, we fast-forward to the Obama years. (Trust me you don’t want to see the Easter Bunny in a pantsuit next to Mrs. Clinton.) Mr. & Mrs. Obama participated in many an Easter Egg roll though there was talk of changing the name of the event to The White House Spring Bunny Egg Roll. The Easter Bunny reportedly was outraged at talk of this change but he fought through his anger by seeing a therapist (despite the sky-rocketing Obamacare premiums). Eventually, he decided to forgive this breach of protocol and did attend the Obama egg rolls. In fact, evidence that the two kissed and made up was even captured in this photo depicting the president whispering sweet nothings into the Easter Bunny’s ear. Perhaps he was saying, “We need a wire on Trump” but the bunny’s not talking.
Naturally, controversy is already swirling about the Trump Egg Roll with the New York Times reporting that the commemorative wooden egg is dangerously behind production (must be made in China). A Twitter storm ensued. President Trump is also under serious criticism for keeping the numbers for the White House event down to save taxpayer money. How dare he invite only twenty thousand kids? Liberty Nation was the first to report the Easter Bunny is hopping mad. Sorry I couldn’t resist that one.
Despite the dispute, the American Egg Board is at the ready with – wait for it – thirty thousand eggs donated for Monday’s event, fifteen thousand of which will be dyed and transported across the South Lawn of the White House by little kids with spoons in their mouths. (Please don’t ask me how that got started. I haven’t a clue. But if you Google it and find out, let me know in our comments section.) Meanwhile, the other fifteen thousand eggs will be boiled and put on a stick. It’ll be an egg pop-tart of sorts.
Of course, if it’s true Trump is only having twenty thousand kiddies, and we do the math, that’s a lot of leftover eggs. It’s probably fake news but be sure to tune into CNN; I’m sure they’ll tell you the truth.
So th-th-that’s all folks. (Oops, wrong bunny, but you get the idea.) Mercy, I almost forgot the biggest White House Easter Egg Roll news of all: Rumor has it the Easter Bunny has a crush on Melania. Let’s face it; the dude’s got good taste.
The Easter Egg Roll will be live-streamed from the South Lawn of the White House on Monday so you can follow along at home.