What is Halloween in 2020? It’s a day made for mask-wearing but mostly canceled throughout the nation due to COVID-19 fears. We can go to the local Walmart wearing masks, touching items that who knows how many others have touched, then having our goods handled again by a cashier who has touched countless other shoppers’ purchases, but trick-or-treating is just too dangerous. Well, fear not! We have discovered a haunted mansion providing a political nightmare tour just for the occasion.
Enter at Your Own Risk
Our nightmarish journey begins in the foyer as we meet our terrifying guide, none other than Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). No costume necessary or needed for this one; she visited the salon recently for a blowout and won’t risk damaging it with accessories. Our tour guide points to a sign that reads: “Admission price $1,000. Proceeds to go to illegal immigrants, the Kennedy Center, and climate control.” With a wave of her hand, Pelosi begins the tour.
The first stop on our nightmare tour is the study, where Democrats are rallying together, making plans for various projects. Currently, the group is discussing which agenda items should be added to the stimulus package that President Donald Trump has announced will be “big” and will happen right after the election.
Pelosi, during a press conference on Oct. 29, said she wanted to get a deal going with the president for after Election Day. “I want a bill for two reasons,” she said. “First and foremost, the American people need help. They need real help. And, second of all, we have plenty of work to do in the Joe Biden administration.” She must have consulted the huge crystal ball that dominates the table. It bears an image of a grinning Biden after winning the presidency and, beneath it, a caption that reads: “sponsored by CNN.”
With a flourish, Pelosi flings open double wooden doors to the library, beckoning us to enter the place where truth and fiction are blended and mixed until it’s hard to decipher the fantastical from the factual.
Several tables are scattered around, and seated at each are reporters from various media establishments. Also present, representatives from Twitter and Facebook have pushed their two tables together as they put their heads together and muddle over how best to censor posts regarding Hunter Biden’s laptop. A separate team from Twitter scramble to conduct damage control after suspending U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) Commissioner Mark Morgan’s account for daring to provide facts on border wall construction.
Off at another table, Anderson Cooper, Don Lemon, and Chris Cuomo argue over which poll results to publish, the best angles to use to damage Trump’s campaign, and who gets to cry on camera next. Meanwhile, sifting through the media minions with hidden cameras and microphones are undercover reporters from Project Veritas (VP), collecting confessions from those only too eager to brag.
From the lunacy of the library, Pelosi takes us to our next destination, where Kamala Harris is holding court. Along the way, we hear sounds of cheer and celebration, but when we enter the sunroom, we see only Harris and a few guests scattered about somberly – maintaining social distancing, of course. The vice presidential hopeful has been telling her audience of five all about how COVID-19, which has infected about eight million people, has somehow managed to kill 220 million Americans over the past few months.
An ornate door leads us from the sunroom to the dining room where former Vice President Joe Biden, wearing double masks, is holding his own rally. Large circles are drawn on the polished wood floor using melted candle wax, inside which attendees must stay during the meeting. After announcing his run for senator, the candidate explains how almost half a century in politics, including eight years as vice president, wasn’t enough time to tackle the big issues. But, if elected president, he promises, he can fix everything in four years – or Kamala can when she takes over.
Biden then provides a moment of levity as he laughs about that one time, as vice president, he threatened to withhold funds from Ukraine if they didn’t fire the man investigating his son – and, son of a b—ch, they did! Oh, and speaking of his son, he has no knowledge of Hunter’s business dealings.
Traipsing Through the Halls
As we march in a single file, following Pelosi down the long hallway, we catch glimpses into other rooms where we can see PV reporters talking to Biden-Harris campaign staffers. We smile, knowing we’ll soon be hearing some juicy confessions. Once again, we hear cheering and clapping and fervently wish we could escape this nightmare and join in on the fun, wherever it was happening.
A tall, wide door with the words “PRIVATE: NO TRESPASSING” captures our attention, but our guide dismisses our curiosity, saying it’s just the attic and nothing we need to concern ourselves over. However, while being rushed past the door, we get a glimpse inside where several boxes are stacked, each with titles stenciled on their sides in bold color: “Trump impeachment,” “Russia Collusion,” “Stormy Daniels,” are just some of the ones we can see.
At the end of the hallway is a squat, steel door leading to the panic room. Because of its sensitive nature, we are only allowed a brief peek inside at the hustle and bustle as Democrats scramble to decipher poll results and Trump campaign ads. A huge map of the United States is posted on the wall. Strategists plot a presidential victory – trying to conquer each state and figure out how they can use mail-in voting to their advantage.
Expecting creeping vines or Venus flytraps, instead, we find ourselves in what can only be described as a classroom. Children of all school ages are sat at their desks (six feet apart, of course) wearing headphones while watching social justice warrior propaganda. Indoctrination at its best, and perhaps the scariest room we’ve visited so far.
Or so we thought.
Pelosi proudly tells us that after the children have received their education from the nursery, the next step is adult training in the basement. As the door opens on squeaky hinges, we huddle together to see what kind of atrocity is waiting for us next.
In a sea of black and red, hundreds of young adults are instructed on how to protest, riot, and fight fascism by none other than members of Antifa.
“If you get a good liver or kidney shot, it’s pretty much crippling them,” one fight instructor says, which was caught on video by VP reporters. “They’re going to be doubled over in a lot of pain. If you break one of the floating ribs, which are small and right down here. Those are also very painful, it’s hard to move after that, to catch a breath.”
Still shuddering from the trip down to the basement, we follow Pelosi to the kitchen, the last stop on the tour, where she has promised a special treat. Mouths watering at the thought of dessert delicacies, chocolate moose fondu, and possibly some rum balls (heavy on the rum), we eagerly enter the kitchen. But we were on a nightmare tour, and this final stop was just another terror to add to our adventure. Wearing an apron with “Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act” emblazoned on its front, former first lady Michelle Obama greets us with a large smile and silver trays lined with carrot sticks, Brussel sprouts, and apple slices. Meanwhile, Pelosi grins and pulls a large tub of gourmet ice cream out of the freezer and bids us on our way around a mouthful of icy goodness.
Dejected, we take our expensive trick-or-treat bags filled with healthy goodies and exit through the back entrance of the kitchen. The sound of cheering and clapping wafts on the breeze, and as one, we turn towards it, following like zombies as our souls cry out for relief from the darkness we just experienced.
Walking along a rose-lined path, we find ourselves facing an elegant French doorway, through which the happy sounds can be heard. Opening the doors, we are swamped with loud cheers, whistles, and clapping. A sea of red, white, and blue decorate the inside. Talk of liberty and freedom proves that the fight between good and evil is not yet over. After all, it’s only Halloween. Election Day is still three days away.
Read more from Kelli Ballard.