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Shockingly, More Women Come Out as not Harassed by Weinstein

by | Oct 17, 2017 | Satire

The Movie industry scandal surrounding former producer Harvey Weinstein appears to have taken a new and potentially earth-shattering turn, Sunday. Rumors surfaced that several more female entertainment industry stars are set to come forward with allegations that Harvey Weinstein refused to assault them sexually.

According to anonymous sources with knowledge of people who watch movies, several outspoken film and television celebrities are about to reveal chilling details of Weinstein’s complete lack of interest in them. The women are said to have been inspired by Jane Fonda, who bravely admitted that Weinstein never laid a finger on her.

One revelation may – or may not – concern an alleged encounter between the mogul and famed Sean Spicer impersonator, Melissa McCarthy. The Hollywood B-lister and SNL regular may have described one such situation, in which she met privately with Weinstein to discuss a movie role.

Horrific Revelations

“I was horrified,” McCarthy is reported to have told a close friend of someone who lives in her neighborhood. “Harvey asked me to meet him in his hotel room. As soon as I walked into his room, he asked me to sit on the bed and then said he had to use the bathroom.” She went on to describe the humiliating events that followed. “When he came out of the bathroom, I was sitting on the bed, naked. As soon as he saw me, he, like, went back into the bathroom and shut the door. Then, he, like, shouted ‘please, Ms. McCarthy, put your clothes back on.’ It was awful.”

According to McCarthy’s alleged version of the story, Weinstein then climbed out of the bathroom window, scaled 14 floors to the sidewalk, and ran to the nearest bar. He was later discovered throwing up violently in the men’s room.

A rumor is circulating that famous fat person Rosie O’Donnell was subjected to an eerily similar experience. “Weinstein did offer me the part,” O’Donnell may have confided, “he was in the bathroom and he yelled at me ‘Yes! Anything! You’ve got the part, for God’s sake!’ and right after that, he came out with bandages over his eyes. It was creepy. There was blood everywhere.”

O’Donnell is rumored to have revealed, later, that Weinstein’s eyeballs were discovered in the bathroom wash basin.

Mere moments after escaping Lena Dunham – maybe

Yet another well-known lefty could have had an even more unsettling meeting with the Hollywood heavy-hitter. Lena Dunham once met the whale-esque Weinstein at his home, according to unconfirmed rumors revealed by current and former movie industry employees. “Harvey was such a creep.” Dunham might have told a close friend’s dog-sitter. “We talked about a new movie his company was producing. I’d heard rumors about what he was like.” Dunham was desperate to have a career and allegedly realized that she had little choice but to get on the producer’s good side. “I would be okay with a massage,” She is rumored to have told him. “Oh, alright then,” Weinstein apparently stammered in response. “I’ll order you one. Just wait here, I have to go the emergency room.”

Desperate Times…

Word on the street is that numerous other women, including Whoopi Goldberg and Oprah Winfrey, may be about to reveal details of Weinstein going to great lengths to avoid physical contact with them.

The media has reported that Weinstein is seeking treatment for sex addiction at an Arizona clinic. Apparently, this is not true. Several unnamed production company officials have shared stories of a brief meeting between Weinstein and Kathy Griffin. This session is what allegedly convinced Weinstein to seek help. Although it is not clear what transpired at the meeting, these officials are ready to confirm that Weinstein may be at a secret location, undergoing skin-grafts and gender reassignment surgery.

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