Editor’s Note: At Liberty Nation, we believe that sometimes a slice of satire, a pinch of parody, or even a hefty dose of humor can enliven even the darkest and dankest of political fare. In that spirit, we offer the following to tickle your funny-bone.
A timeless piece of wisdom, of unknown origin, tells us: “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.” If there is one person in America today who needs to remember this advice more than any other, it’s the former vice president and current 2020 Democratic Party nomination hopeful, Joe Biden. In fact, his campaign should hire someone whose only job is to follow the old fogey around and constantly flash him a big sign, upon which those immortal words are emblazoned.
Had any Republican – running for any office – groped, stammered, crept, and gaffed his way through an election campaign as Biden has, he would have been laughed out of public life within days. Not Joe, however, since Democrats are so desperate to pick someone who isn’t a raving communist, a megalomaniacal billionaire, or a guy who looks like he absconded from boarding school that they’ll continue to grin and endure the Biden Malarkey Tour.
For the sake of brevity, every one of Biden’s gaffes, bouts of amnesia, inappropriate statements, and uninvited physical interactions will not be cataloged here, but suffice it to say his antics, over the years, can variously be described as baffling, creepy, jawdropping, and very often unintentionally hilarious.
Malarkey Is My Middle Name
Ironic that the man would christen his latest campaign effort “No Malarkey.” Malarkey is the perfect word to describe most of Biden’s political career and, indeed, his very persona: an anachronism, synonymous with applesauce, balderdash, baloney, bilge, blarney, blather, bull, bunkum, claptrap, codswallop, crapola, drivel, drool, fiddle, fiddle-faddle, fiddlesticks, flannel, flapdoodle, folly, foolishness, fudge, garbage, guff, hogwash, hokeypokey, hokum, hoodoo, hooey, horsefeathers, humbuggery, nonsense, piffle, poppycock, rot, rubbish, senselessness, silliness, slush, stupidity, tarradiddle, tommyrot, tosh, trash, and twaddle (thank you, Merriam-Webster).
No one thought it possible, but creepy Uncle Joe managed to outdo himself in recent days. At this point, one can only feel sorry for his campaign advisers, unless, of course, they are advising him to say and do the very things he says and does.
On Nov. 30, at a campaign stop in Council Bluffs, IA, Biden did something very curious, to say the least. As his wife, Dr. Jill Biden (who must have the patience of a saint or maybe an acute hearing problem), addressed the crowd from a raised podium, she stretched out her hand toward her husband, her fingers coming close to his mouth. Clearly, Jill has never seen The Silence of the Lambs. The candidate, at that moment, caught her index finger between his lips – or maybe his teeth, but who was watching closely enough to tell which? No doubt, Joe thought it funny: Let’s go with that because to imagine alternative motives – sexual impulse, hunger, the desire to stifle a scream, having just stabbed himself in the crotch with a pen he was fiddling with beneath his heavy coat – is just too much to bear.
He Said What?
This incident was nothing, though, compared to the bizarre and cringe-worthy rambling in which Biden indulged back in 2017, during a speech in Wilmington, DE, at a public swimming pool where a much younger Joe worked as a lifeguard. The small crowd was made up mostly of children and teenagers. The video surfaced recently and is doing the rounds on social media, of course. The fact that this baffling speech was given well before he decided to run for president in 2020 is beside the point. There simply is no way he’s going to live this one down:
“And by the way, you know, I’d sit on the stand and it’d get hot, I gotta lot … I got hairy legs, that turn … that … that … that … that … that … that turn err … err … umm … blond in the sun. And the kids used to come up and reach in the pool and rub my leg down, so [inaudible] and then watch the hair come back up again. They’d look at it. So I learned about roaches – I learned about kids jumping on my lap and I’ve loved kids jumping on my lap … “
Shut the front door!
A few points of clarification, here: No, the stuttering is not exaggerated in the above transcript. No, it is not clear what comparison Biden was making between roaches and kids – or why. From the beginning of the speech up until that creepy bit about kids jumping on his lap, Biden makes no other reference to roaches. Perhaps it is a slang term for something else. Yes, he really did say he loved kids jumping on his lap. Yes, this is really Joe Biden and not some deranged Ukrainian stunt double or a so-called “deep fake.”
There is now only one question to be asked of Biden: When will you make it stop? You surely aren’t an embarrassment to your party; after all, it counts among its current and former elected officials Robert Francis O’Rourke and Al Franken, Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), Ilhan Omar (D-MN), Adam Schiff (D-CA) – and the list goes on.
You certainly are embarrassing yourself, Joe, and you are making it increasingly difficult to view the field of potential Democrat challengers to President Donald Trump with any seriousness at all. You are the frontrunner, and that very fact makes the rest of them look utterly ridiculous, which, perhaps, they deserve but less so than you. Now that “Beto” is gone, you have become the village idiot of the Democrat primary contest, the court jester of the anti-Trump movement.
Perhaps we will discover one day that Biden was a Russian plant or that Trump himself put the candidate up to it. Other than a serious mental or physical disorder, those are the only two explanations that would rationalize Biden’s eccentricities. In the absence of such explanations, Biden’s continued status as nomination frontrunner is a testament to how far the Democratic Party has sunk.
Read more from Graham J Noble.
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