Editor’s note: At Liberty Nation, we believe that sometimes a slice of satire or a pinch of parody can brighten even the gravest and most solemn of political stories In that spirit, we offer the following to tickle your funny-bone.
Beto O’Rourke
It has been said many times, over the past three years, that dark days are upon America. None could have predicted the worst of it, though. Robert Francis O’Rourke, the former Democrat congressman who prefers that people call him “Beto” – meaning tiny, unpalatable root vegetable, in Spanish – announced Friday, November 1 that he was withdrawing from his party’s primary contest.
So farewell, then, Robert Francis. To borrow from the haunting but unofficial national anthem of Scotland, when will we see your like again? Your party’s hopes and dreams rested up your narrow, sloped shoulders. Trump, the orange tyrant, will be re-elected in 2020 because you weren’t there to vanquish him.
Oh, how we will miss your inspiring videos of dental hygiene. How we will shed a tear, recalling your manic arm-waving and finger-pointing. How we will remember your unbridled passion for stripping your countrymen of their rights – in the name of the common good, of course.
“Though it is difficult to accept,” You wrote on Medium, which is a fitting platform for communication with your long-deceased presidential campaign, “it is clear to me now that this campaign does not have the means to move forward successfully.”
“Acknowledging this now is in the best interests of those in the campaign; it is in the best interests of this party as we seek to unify around a nominee; and it is in the best interests of the country.”
We accept, with great sadness, your parting message, Sir. We overlook your irresponsible use of semi-colons. We will miss you enormously. You have given us all such joy – not to mention a great many belly-laughs.
We will never forget your whimsical dreams of imposing a voluntary, mandatory gun buy-back program upon innocent, law-abiding American citizens. It brought to mind the letters U and F, though not necessarily in that order.
We could extol your abilities, virtues, and intellect for entire minutes but, most of all, we will miss the fact that you had more courage than most people who have ever lived: To actually run for president of the United States of America – the most powerful and dominant country that, in modern history, has ever existed – with so little knowledge, so little common sense, so little poise, so little class, and so narrow a range of English vocabulary has been a truly remarkable thing to behold.
Countless future generations of Americans, when seeking to impress their grandchildren, will proclaim: “I remember when that pasty-face, fake Latino git ran for president and you kids think you know it all.”
God speed, Robert Francis. Take your rightful place alongside the greatest of history’s losers: Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, Howard Dean, the red-shirt guy in every episode of the original Star Trek series, every black man in every horror movie ever made, Saturday Night Live’s Mr. Bill, every Star Wars stormtrooper, Neville Chamberlain, Wile E. Coyote …
Well, you get the picture.
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