The Hasbro toy company’s self-flagellation has gone from mildly amusing to downright irritating and, frankly, it seems somewhat irrational. On the heels of last week’s declaration that Mr. Potato Head was now just an androgenous tuber instead of a masculine spud, the toy company has clearly upped their game or lost their collective minds. On this week’s woke upheaval, the Hasbro standard-bearer of board games is undergoing a few cosmetic changes. Monopoly, the capitalist game that everyone has on a shelf somewhere, is getting a boob job.
For those who may have been in a cave somewhere for 70-plus years or perhaps held captive by pygmies on a faraway tropical island, Monopoly has a board space called “Community Chest.” At the roll of the dice, landing on Community Chest is akin to winning the lottery. Players can pick a card from the deck that awards monetary prizes for winning a beauty contest, cashing in stock options, bank errors, and the most famous “get out of jail free” variety. An educated guess says that the free-a-felon card will not be on the chopping block.
Enhancing The Chest
The scaredy-cats at the toy company announced the decision to enhance their board game by woke-sculpting the somewhat old and out-of-touch community chest. At least according to Anne Leonhardi, a marketing director at Hasbro, who explained the decision: “Since Monopoly became a household name more than 85 years ago, the world has changed and embraced a new sense of community — particularly after the unprecedented year of 2020.” Leonhardi, however, did not elaborate on why 2020 was a year for such drastic changes. We can only surmise – but by slicing away at the maturing Christmas Fund, a monetary bonus for shopping local has been added. The future changes are “long overdue for a refresh,” and by today’s crazy woke standards, they have a point.
Instead of the joy of earning money for intelligent investments on the Monopoly board, now, players will be punished for not conforming. For instance, one card issues fines for playing music too loud. Yes, if you are cranking up Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Sweet Home Alabama, you might end-up at GITMO. There are now cards that nail you for not recycling, for finding a wallet and not returning it, or for just not being woke.
There is one definite improvement for the board game: players will get cash incentives for helping animals in need, and that addition was a long time coming for the human race altogether.
Post-Operative Care
Hasbro – which no doubt will eventually remove the “bro” from their name – is obviously triggered by the butt-hurt woke folks trying to force the rest of the world -- in any way they can – to conform to their standards. That, of course, will happen when winged unicorns become our most utilized form of transportation. For those who swear they will boycott the toy company, well, that is one option. Of course, the other option is to dust off the Monopoly game you already have in storage and not worry about the fools rushing to purchase the socialist version of the iconic game.
It does appear that all of this pandering is politically inspired. And in keeping with the vague 2020 catalyst theme, Monopoly lovers can visit the company’s site and vote on their favorite version of cards that haven’t yet been decided upon. Hasbro offers: “Want to make your voice heard? Vote again.” Just like 2020, right?
Any way you nip and tuck it, working for Hasbro might just be a job for boobs.
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Read more from Sarah Cowgill.
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