The Democratic Party machine dropped random and ridiculous notions on all things political, but dagnabbit, so did the GOP. It was such an obnoxious week that Heartlanders hoped for a wormhole or some sort of portal to sneak through – and, God forbid, that Iran would do something newsworthy for President Donald Trump to carpet bomb and then discuss. It was not to be. Instead, the news was focused on Hunter Biden, how to lose the midterms 101, dangerous stereotypes to mimic, and why no one can stand Canada. Hint: It’s not just hockey. Instead of crazy du jour, most decided on watching paint dry and the plopping down of the Artemis II in the Pacific.
A Swing and a Misspeak
Former Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway decided to test her ability to rival other political operatives who came up with greatness without overthinking. William Safire once wrote, “Good slogans have rhyme, rhythm or alliteration to make them memorable.” Or swagger. Remember 1992 and James Carville’s It’s the economy, stupid? Well, before that America voted for “We Polked You in ’44. We Shall Pierce You in ’52” (James K. Polk won in 1844 and Franklin Pierce in 1852) and “’I Like Ike’.”
In New Mexico, Robert Smith said: “I forgot all about her and that’s not a bad thing.”
Kellyanne racked up as many words as the Pierce campaign but fell short on memorability. “Last administration was about sex change,” she said on Fox News. “This is about regime change.” Well, that isn’t going to win votes, and most people would just rather know how midterms can be won or lost this close to the due date. While others rolled their eyes, Joyce Golub Miness of North Carolina weighed in: “Pretty accurate when you consider the Biden admin’s focus on trans, and aiding children in getting operations and changing sex without parents knowing.” Joyce could possibly get a consulting gig with the Conway gal.
JJ Marshall concludes: “If the United States saw what the United States is doing to the United States, then the United States would invade the United States to liberate the United States from the United States.”
Trump vs Hunter, the Cage Match?
Did anyone have this on their Bingo card for April? A raunchy, mostly bare-bodied cage match with a few first sons – Donald Jr., Eric, and Hunter Biden – can you imagine? In Lake Halle, WI, Jed Buresh stated: “That’s methed up!”
The Biden boy announced in a video he’s joining YouTuber Andrew Callaghan’s Channel 5 tour — and hinted at a potential fight: “And I think he’s trying to organize a cage match, me versus Eric and Don Junior… I told him I’d do it — 100% in — if he can pull it off.”
Weirdly enough, most folks had the attitude of “why not? How much worse can it get?” But in Indiana, Jeff Hettinger brought everyone back to square one: “Will there be a drug test?”
Lots of drug terminology was thrown around that only cops probably know and use, like booger sugar, but the real worry from middle America was voiced by Buckeye State gal Linda Barrett, who said: “He’d better bring CornPop to the match,” just to keep the odds more even.
The Gift That Keeps on Giving
It was a mixture of Trump in severe pain and Don Corleone. Queen of the regional word salad mastery, Kamala Harris, has now added an insultingly stereotypical “Mob Boss” of Italian descent to her accent stable. At an event with Al Sharpton, Harris lumped all Italian men of a certain age and profession together and tried to make Trump out as the leader, saying: “He’s kind of like, ‘Well, you know, you take Eastern Europe, I’ll take the Western Hemisphere, and then you over there, you get Asia, and we’ll just divide it up.’” This from a woman who had a hard time explaining Russia and Ukraine to a global audience.
“Bless her heart, she tries so hard,” said Rhonda Nobles, “She tries sooo hard.” And that was followed by Cheryl Bryan, in SC: “No. She is an idiot.”
As annoying as Hillary, but with a longer shelf life – like a Hostess Ding Dong.
Straight Faced Talking Points 101
There is a reason no one likes Canada that much: Too cold, lots of French spoken, progressive hell, and socialized medicine. Oh, but wait, now we can add a member of Parliament who must have taken a course in making insanity look downright easy. Leah Gazan dropped what turned out to be a very long acronym that makes sense to like five people. The alphanumeric monstrosity left Heartlanders looking for the portal to anywhere but here as Gazan blabbered without taking a breath, “MMIWG2SLGBTQQIA+.” The plus means they can add more letters or go back through the alphabet again. They really need a better way to describe a set of people; the monogram is getting ridiculous. This one stands for:
Wisconsin waded in through the mess of letters that some assumed were suggested passwords, with Mary Kastelic showing some love: “Props to her for memorizing that mess!”
Adam Garcia, a newlywed gay fellow in Utah, acknowledges both sides of the aisle are insane, but as he puts it: “All that matter is LGB. We kicked out the rest for this kind of garbage.” The Heartlanders agree wholeheartedly. At least they understand the LGB.
Jerry Daniel of Georgia added another take: “Twoallbeefpattiesspecialsauselettucecheesepicklesoonionsonasesameseedbun.”
Well, the good news is we all know Canada’s Netflix password.
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Editor’s Note: From the Back Forty is Liberty Nation’s longest running and most popular weekly column.
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