It was almost over. The special counsel report had been released and pored over. It was dawning on most people that no collusion with the Russians had taken place, and no obstruction of justice had been perpetrated.
Despite Democrats once again proving that denial is not just a river in Egypt, President Donald Trump was almost in the clear until a fateful headline in Politico provided his opponents with the damning evidence they needed. Certain that Trump had, indeed, obstructed justice, Democrats in Congress suddenly had an admission, from the president himself, that he had exerted pressure on one powerful individual to protect him from Robert Mueller’s investigation.
The headline in question, published May 2nd, reads: “Trump says he leaned on God to survive Mueller probe.”
Democrats Move in Mysterious Ways
In the halls of power – and, especially, in the restroom cubicles of power – Trump-hating Democrats smirked, chuckled and coughed up a little blood. They had him! Finally, after all the pain they had endured, Trump’s political enemies had their evidence. Here was the president himself admitting that he had “leaned on” God to escape certain prosecution.
Immediately, Adam Schiff (D-CA) printed out a copy of the article, redacted all but the headline and circulated it to every House committee chair. He had his messenger boy, Eric Swalwell (D-CA) cycle over to the Department of Justice with a copy for the attorney general. “This Politico report exposes clear evidence,” Schiff told reporters, “that the president exerted pressure on God to … well … what he did is what we need to find out.”
House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY), in a phone call to The New York Times, said: “Obviously, the president tried to get God to influence the investigation, so the question is, what did God know and when did He know it?” Suggesting the Almighty could be subpoenaed to appear before his committee, Nadler added: “We have reliable information that suggests God is everywhere, at all times, which means he was constantly in the Oval Office and we demand to know what He and the president discussed.”
Though excited about the prospect of being able to question this key figure who may be able to expose Trump’s efforts to obstruct the Mueller investigation, some left-wing pundits have expressed doubts about the prospect of extracting testimony from a being who, they believe, probably does not exist.
Representative Ilhan Omar (D-Mogadishu) surprised everyone by appearing to side with Trump over the God affair. “First of all,” she said on the floor of the House, “this is clearly a case of mistaken identity. This character people are calling ‘God’ is, in fact, Allah, and He would never have even spoken with Trump, let alone done anything on his behalf.”
Democratic presidential candidate and Massachusetts senator, Elizabeth Warren, expressed concerns that God may not tell the truth about His interactions with Trump. “I’ve heard that God has a rule about not bearing false witness,” she told a campaign rally in Ohio, “but, you know, it’s not like that kind of thing is written in stone. If He’s an associate of the president, He’s probably not an honest … er … God – if He is a god at all.”
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-CA) explained that Democrats may already know what damaging information Trump has on God, which allowed him to “lean on” the supreme being. “We have obtained a file from the Rus … we obtained a file which contains evidence that God may once have fathered an illegitimate son and, also, that the son may have had a relationship with a prostitute.” Schumer would neither confirm nor deny that the FBI had sought a FISA warrant to surveil God.
As the news broke, Democrat voters across the nation rushed to houses of worship, determined to ensure that God knew they were big fans. Time magazine has already confirmed that, should God testify against the president, he will be featured as Time Deity of the Year.
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