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Chelsea Clinton To Get An Award For Breathing

by | Mar 25, 2017 | Politics

Imagine a life, if you will, of power and privilege, a life filled with elite schools and exclusive clubs — a life that comes complete with instructions on “How to Marry a Millionaire.” Naturally, this life would be filled with honors and awards. So, it comes as no surprise that some of these honors are, well, entirely meaningless which is appropriate for what may indeed appear to be an entirely meaningless life.

Such is the case with former first daughter Chelsea Clinton.

It seems that Mrs. Mezvinsky is about to be honored with an award from Variety — and absolutely no one knows why.  Liberty Nation staffers, hot on the trail of the real story, have devoted considerable chatroom time researching this report due to its national importance.

Variety, the famous New York-based entertainment daily, hands out awards to movie stars, and their ilk, for throwing their name behind ‘empowering’ projects.   For instance, actress Blake Lively is receiving an award for her work with the Child Rescue Coalition, a group that tracks pedophiles across the globe.  That’s a noble cause.  Hooray for Blake.

Another recipient is six-time Tony Award winner, Audra McDonald.  McDonald’s pet project is Covenant House, providing help to homeless youth in thirty U.S. cities.  Bravo, Audra, keep up the good work.

Another actress, Jessica Chastain, is collecting her award for her commitment to Planned Parenthood. Who didn’t see that coming–but what exactly does ‘commitment’ entail?

The most esteemed award that Variety bestows — the lifetime achievement award — will be presented to Chelsea—for, well, just being born.  Although Variety used different words, it all boils down to the same thing.  She achieved birth.

Clinton, vice chair of the Clinton Foundation, will be honored for her work with Alliance for a Healthier Generation, which empowers kids to develop lifelong healthy habits.

Clinton has acquired quite a laundry list of accomplishments since birth.  She staved off the competition with siblings and remained an only child, lived in the White House, attended exclusive D.C. private schools followed by prestigious universities.

Hmm, oh yes, she married a millionaire.

The Washington Post tried to sugar-coat the story and came up with a few extra accomplishments, grudgingly:

Even the most generous reading of Clinton’s professional résumé reveals a portrait of someone who has not exactly discovered her vocation. Clinton began with stints at McKinsey, which can function either as “an elite business training corps” or a sort of holding pattern for smart people without clear career goals, and a hedge fund, then continued on to seats on a couple of corporate and charitable boards, a vice chairmanship at the Clinton Foundation, and a role as a “special correspondent” for NBC that produced a rather embarrassing salary-to-output ratio.

There is one notable attempt at an accomplishment that obviously fell short of the goal: Chelsea did try and push for improved ethical standards at the Clinton Foundation—before or after her wedding, we’re not sure.  What we do know is that lofty ambition was not implemented.

Yes, Chelsea fans, you will have yet another sighting of the girl you have grown to love.  On April 21, The Power of Women: New York Luncheon will open the doors of Cipriani midtown and welcome in the elite high rollers of the entertainment industry.  Saturday Night Live’s Vanessa Bayer (imagine that) will host the soiree. We can visualize the guests, award-winners and leftist philanthropists buried in deep discussions about Planned Parenthood, Russia, misogynists and heaven knows what else.

We’ll raise our glasses of Kool-Aid in celebration to you.   Congratulations, Chelsea., for…umm…well, actually, we still aren’t sure.

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