Tradition has it that, on the cusp of each new year, we resolve to make a change in our lives, in some way to become better people, healthier, more considerate, more disciplined, more focused, or maybe just less insufferable. It is in that spirit that this humble author offers a suggestion for those Americans who endure the soul-sapping burden of progressive ideology. Indeed, offering this advice – free of charge and with genuine sincerity and concern – fulfills my own resolution for 2020. That way, I don’t have to give up anything or make any further effort to improve myself.
To know, without reading beyond this paragraph, whether the counsel that follows applies to you, ask yourself the following questions: Do you consider yourself woke? When you hear the word “snowflake,” do you suspect that it refers to you? Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party? Have you ever felt the Bern or urged someone else to feel it? Are you outraged, on a daily basis, by things you perceive as racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, transphobic, patriarchal, or classist? Do you think Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has a point? Do displays of patriotism send you into a blind rage?
He’s Having a Go at the Vampires, Now!
By now, you’re getting the point, right? No need for me to belabor it. Just one disclaimer is needed before I bestow upon you this gem of wisdom that, if heeded, will enrich your life to no end: If holy water burns you and the sight of a cross or a Bible fills you with anguish and loathing, this could be another sign that you’re a progressive or maybe a vampire.
The purchase of a DNA testing kit will allow you to detect your level of Eastern European ancestry. Perhaps you’ll discover that you are, in fact, merely a descendant of vampires, which is preferable to being a progressive. Beware, though: The two species do have a few commonalities – other than disdain for religious symbolism – such as pasty complexions, a habit of sleeping during daylight hours, poor fashion sense, questionable hygiene, and an overpowering urge to suck the life out of everyone around them.
Chill Out, Dudes
Without further ado, here is the New Year’s resolution you should, as a progressive, make: Resolve to chill out. The year 2020 is not going to be easy unless you turn away from your path. Can you really endure an entire year of waking up every morning angry that President Donald Trump is calling the shots (not to mention the four more years that will follow)? Think about how nice it would be to begin each day feeling good about your country and about the direction in which it is going.
The utter disgust you as a progressive harbor for the society in which you live can’t possibly be healthy. No amount of tofu, avocado toast, veggie burgers, yoga classes, and gender studies symposiums is going to cleanse you of the gnawing contempt that is, as you read this, tearing you apart, mentally and physically. By contrast, you could be tailgating at the Daytona 500, washing down grilled meat with cheap beer you bought at a convenience store that also sells guns, playfully slapping the behinds of buxom Southern belles, wearing a baseball cap the right way around, whooping when an old 12 m.p.g. Ford F-150 pulls up next to you with American and Confederate flags fluttering over the cab.
That, my miserable, humorless, leftist friends, is fun. That is America. Don’t be fooled: Most of those good ol’ boys work hard and they have money. What makes them different from you? They see the glass as half full; you see it as half empty. They don’t mind that most of their clothes and just about every other item they use on a daily basis were manufactured with oil. You know you’re a hypocrite because you’re marching and shouting and posting stupid memes on Twitter to broadcast your antipathy toward oil companies, when just about everything you are wearing and using also was manufactured using oil. Those beer-swilling, flag-waving, gun-toting folks you so hate think it’s great that Americans have the freedom to carry a gun and to express their opinions; you think freedom is a dangerous and scary thing.
Cheer Up or Shut Up
It’s no more complicated than that. They’re happy because they’re making the most of life. While most of them are probably conservatives, a good many of them vote Democrat, but that’s not the point. They embrace life, accepting that there are no guarantees of equality or success because, if the government were to provide such guarantees, it would have to abolish all freedom and self-determination. Meanwhile, you and your constantly offended progressive pals are forever thinking about how awful life is, precisely because there are no guarantees of equality or success – and so you are forever thinking up ways to change everything. The ultimate irony, of course, is that the changes about which you dream would make life utterly miserable.
As Sir Winston Churchill once said: “The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings. The inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.”
So make a new start in 2020. Stop being so damned angry about everything. Stop thinking that everyone who has to work for a living is, by definition, a victim of capitalism. The “victims” of capitalism – even if they’re living paycheck to paycheck and can barely afford health insurance – have iPhones and cars and smart TVs. The victims of collectivist ideologies such as socialism and communism are eating garbage and go to bed every night fearing that the secret police might bust through their door and drag them away for “re-education.”
In this brand-new year and brand-new decade, you can make the choice: You can be happy with what you have, you can strive to have more and better things, or you can whine because others have more than you and the only way to remedy this “injustice” is to burn everything down and make everyone miserable. I suggest you choose option number one. But, whatever you decide, I can tell you this: The rest of us are doing what we can to be happy, free, and prosperous, and we’re sick of listening to your crap. Happy New Year!
Read more from Graham J. Noble.
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