From the Back Forty: Have We Been Bamboozled by the Bedazzler?

Heartlanders have questioned where Florida’s famous bedazzler, Democrat Rep. Frederica Wilson, has been over the last few dozen votes. Could aliens have been involved? Rep. Steve Cohen (D-TN) is being called “chicken,” and the Pacific Palisades fire has not been forgotten – just ask any LA mayoral candidate, even the ones who wish voters would forget the inferno.

The Bedazzler Is MIA

Rep. Frederica Wilson, the bedazzled-hat-wearing Democrat from the Sunshine State, has missed 40 consecutive votes over the course of a month – and heartlanders wonder where she went. Did aliens nab her? They would certainly be able to see those shiny hats of hers from space! Perhaps she’s just on tour with other sparkly celebrities, like the cubic-zirconia-sporting Gap Band.

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Wilson’s minions finally released a statement that makes sense in a variety of ways: She had eye surgery. Well, that seems more likely than alien abduction or a glittery vanity tour, if less interesting.

Not to be outdone, Republican New Jersey Rep. Thomas Kean Jr. is also seeking re-election despite being absent for weeks from both Congress and the campaign trail. Kean also last voted on March 5. Did the two run off to the beach to unwind? No one seems to have details. In Atlanta, Nancy Gaddis Ventress could not get a handle on the Daily Caller news story and asked, “Are you saying they’re together somewhere?”

But everyone seems to have an inkling. As Axios reported, Wilson was considering retirement while she convalesced following a medical procedure. The gaudy hat-wearing gal is living up to her reputation. "Missing votes is not a sign she's sick or retiring. It's a sign she's Freddy Wilson. She shows up when she wants to and when she has to. She's a force of nature," a source, who spoke to Axios anonymously, explained.

In 2026, Kean missed 80 roll call votes. Four Democrats are competing for Kean’s seat in New Jersey’s seventh district, where a primary is scheduled for June 2.  

In Tennessee, Tim Wood wondered if he could land a gig like professional congresspeople: “Weeks away and still getting paid!!! Wow.”

Well, Gerry Gonna Mander

Steve Cohen may have been trying to make a joke in 2019 when he arrived at a House Judiciary Committee hearing with fried chicken in a famous bucket. It was a stunt, as some lawmakers are wont to do, because then Attorney General Bill Barr was going to be a no-show. As Cohen ate his KFC, he told those at the hearing that it was more than just breakfast. He pointed to the chicken and referenced Barr with a quip: “He’s here."

Tennessee has redrawn the district maps to get rid of its past racial gerrymandering. Most people say that the time has come to fix the problem, but the new lines essentially kicked the flamboyant Cohen out of a constituency. Cohen will turn 77 this month and probably should go. But he instead hammered Republicans for orchestrating what he called a power grab to disenfranchise black voters.

“I don’t want to quit, I’m not a quitter, but these districts were drawn to beat me, to defeat me,” Cohen said. Michelle Duncan in Mississippi saw Cohen’s glass as half full: “Well, he’ll have more time with his finger-lickin’ chicken.”

In Fort Leonard Wood, MO, Christian Garcia reminded: “It did not favor republicans, it just stopped racial gerrymandering which is not allowed from the constitution [sic].”

In Waterloo, IL, Mike Kaestner said with glee: “Old white democrat gets replaced by young Black republican. Heads explode.”

Who’s Chicken Now?

California Screamin’

An old wives’ tale says “they come in threes.” Los Angeles, California, is living up to that expectation by voting for the next mayor. The choices? Former reality television star Spencer Pratt, incumbent Karen Bass, and Los Angeles City Councilwoman Nithya Raman. Let’s discuss how or why these three are leading the race. Well, it's name recognition, of course.

Pratt is a former actor, which could come in handy, and he claims that LA Mayor Karen Bass burned down his house. Raman, well, she is not a noodle, although those are delicious. But it’s the issues that make Angelinos wonder how this could be the top three.

The Palisades fire consumed Pratt’s house like a fully stoked furnace needing more sustenance. Bass was out of town hanging with her buddies in Ghana, and repeatedly ignoring or downplaying the fires that took 31 lives. The combined simultaneous wildfire burned over 37,000 acres, with over 18,000 structures destroyed or damaged, and total evacuations exceeding 200,000 people. Pratt was one of those who lost everything.

If the reality star is mad enough to run for that office, incumbent Karen Bass is going to have to stay on point with issues. Pratt does appeal to a niche audience when he says things like he’ll emancipate Angelenos from the “open air drug zombies” who “commit multiple felonies every single day.”

Bass wants to give “drug zombies” new teeth: “How many people who are unhoused that you meet have no teeth at all? They don’t have teeth, why? Because meth rots your teeth. You can’t succeed without teeth.” Well, Karen, let’s assume they can’t succeed because they are addicted to meth.

Raman wants to ban any kind of outdoor flame, including the barbecue grill. The backyard kitchen celebrations did not start the Palisades fire. It was allegedly started by an angry, delusional progressive to create a kindling that would blow in the wind across large amounts of dead timber.

Corey Siebring of Chebanse, IL, quipped: “Yeah because those are the biggest issues in LA.”

In Phoenix, where wildfires scare the bejesus out of everyone, Don Turnblade said:  “Angelinos may have snapped, but possibly in a good way. At least he (Pratt) is not a Chinese spy.”

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Editor's Note: From the Back Forty is Liberty Nation's longest running and most popular weekly column.