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Fire, Ice, and Meatball Sandwiches on the Menu in Iowa

Have the folks in the Hawkeye State stocked up on antacids?

by | Jan 14, 2024 | Articles, Columns, Opinion, Politics

Editor’s Note: From the Back Forty is Liberty Nation’s longest running and most popular weekly column. 

The heat is on in the Hawkeye State even as temperatures dip well below zero as the good folks of Iowa are bundled up and steeling themselves for the first-in-the-nation presidential caucus. Last-ditch tantrums have been thrown, obscure X accounts uncovered, and the entrepreneurial spirit is alive and thriving. Oh, and be warned: This state takes no prisoners when people get a bit aggressive and rowdy. Iowa nice has its limits.

Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz

One Iowa restaurateur is taking advantage of the looming caucus and the famous – and infamous – visitors by creating a candidate specials menu. Zombie Burger in downtown Des Moines is the home of some extremely sarcastic and talented folks who are now getting a piece of the political action.

The culinary affair began with Mom-Aswamy’s Spaghetti a vegetarian sandwich made with spaghetti noodles. Then there’s the Meatball Ron; it’s a patty of smashed meatballs covered in mozzarella cheese, marinara sauce, and a fried banana. That mouthwatering combination is served on top of a “hidden” slice of garlic bread (a nod to heel lifts Ron has been alleged to wear).

Also in the Zombie Burger caucus specials for the main event is American History 101, a must-try double pimento cheese patty with pulled pork, okra, bacon, and Carolina Gold Sauce (both smoky and spicy).

Caucus goers may need help getting their rest before Monday. Order up a Sleepy Joe Shake with Sleepytime tea-mint syrup, or try the Dark Brandon Shake with Red Hots candy to get the blood boiling. The burger joint also features this Caucus weekend-only item: Day One Dic-Tator, described as a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos orange kielbasa with Russian dressing. One can only imagine.

But at least Rando Stine in Judyville, IN, saw the positivity: “Maybe the spaghetti, meatballs, and Cheetos will taste pretty good together come Tuesday.”

Protesters in Iowa Who Knew?

Politicians tend to attract malcontents. It was less observed in Iowa than, say, Chicago, but climate protesters still came to the frozen fields to lob rotten fruit. DeSantis was in Ames to talk about banning China from buying up land in the US when a protestor with a flag reading: “DeSantis: Climate Criminal” stole the show – and was nearly immediately tackled by security.

The protester kept calling DeSantis a criminal while being dragged out of the room. The Florida governor incorporated it into his message without missing a beat: “This is [what’s] wrong with the college system, right there. That’s exhibit A,” he said, pointing to the protestor.

John Bravo couldn’t resist: “Iowan here, this ain’t San Francisco. We don’t play that bullsh*t here.”

Did They Compare Notes?

The smell of desperation has even permeated the frigid Iowa air: Ron DeSantis will more than likely lose to Donald Trump, though whether he places second or third remains to be seen. But it does look pretty glum when Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds, who endorsed Ron, gets outed for using an obscure X account.

As twice-failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton might say: “What difference, at this point, does it make?”

Well, maybe it doesn’t make a difference to the governor’s constituents in Iowa, but other heartlanders cried foul. Jake Jablonsky wondered if Kim and Mitt Romney were X buddies and had compared notes: “Pierre Delecto strikes again?”

The X account that raised eyebrows is @Kimberl26890376. It is unverified, but the unofficial account was busy tossing hate grenades at Trump and Haley and pushing for DeSantis as the guy who could be president. Angela Bryeans Morvant, and Arkansas gal, saw a solution: “It’s too bad Trump and DeSantis can’t be a team.”

Well, Angela, we always say that politics can make strange bedfellows.

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