California and the War on Thanksgiving

You’ve heard of the War on Christmas. That’s the one where saying “Merry Christmas” gets you the same deeply disapproving stares you would get today shopping mask-free in a supermarket. Well, moving backward on the calendar (you’re next, Halloween – you filthy pagan celebration …) it is with feigned reluctance that Gavin Newsom (D-CA) announces California’s War on Thanksgiving. Governor Newsom tweeted:

“Going out to eat with members of your household this weekend?” Don’t forget to keep your mask on in between bites. Do your part to keep those around you healthy.”

One wonders if the thought of a beautifully prepared, intermittently masked meal was what Newsom found most delicious – or the exercise of raw power in compelling people to chew the way he wants them to. Having whet his appetite for gastrointestinal fascism, Newsom this week then doubled down on the most cherished and traditional family meal on the calendar and in America’s history – Thanksgiving. Through the California Department of Public Health (CDPH), Newsom ratcheted up the power-mad control, issuing “safety guidelines” for all private gatherings amid the COVID-19 pandemic. The CDPH provided a helpful primer on what constitutes a “gathering” (social situations that bring together people from different households at the same time in a single space or place) then posted its bullet points for absolute compliance with the state on how to mingle – and how not to. (Warning: unintended satire straight ahead!) The following are best read aloud in a stern and militaristic German accent:

1. No more than three families!
2. Gatherings must be held outdoors!
3. Visiting time is two hours or less!
4. Attendees may go the restroom inside – but only if the facility is thoroughly sanitized!
5. No singing!
6. No chanting!
7. No shouting! (*Avoid Trump-voting Cousin Billy …)
8. No playing of wind instruments! (flute, saxophone, clarinet, pan flute, Jew’s harp – because it’s racist – and definitely no paper and comb.)
9. Stay six feet apart – especially when hugging!
10. Wear a mask when not taking a bite or using your inhaler! (Because being indefinitely masked caused you to have an asthma attack.)
11. All containers must be sanitized!

Immediately following the issuance of Gavin Newsom’s Declaration of War on Thanksgiving, Lorne Michaels, the creator of Saturday Night Live, issued a statement saying the Governor’s “guidelines” would not inspire an SNL skit as they were already beyond parody. Okay, that last bit didn’t happen. But with every bureaucratic diktat from burgeoning leftist authoritarians in charge of Democrat-run states – including Governor Gretchen Whitmer (D-MI), Governor Andrew Cuomo (D-NY), and Newsom – the line between black comedy and blue-state catastrophe grows more and more pencil-thin. Interestingly, Michigan, New York, and California have been hotbeds of failure and fiasco before and during the COVID crisis for rising crime, maskless “peaceful protest” advocacy, and nursing home deaths. Surely a graph or chart depicting the inversely proportional relationship between a state’s fortunes and its degree of creeping authoritarianism is in order. Reliably dictator-averse comedians weighed in on social media. Rob Schneider wondered if he might bend the rules slightly and throw his aunt a slice of turkey from an upstairs window, while Adam Corolla asked aloud whether there were any “sheep” who would abide by the Governor’s restrictions. With a recent poll indicating 55% of Americans are either “very” or “somewhat” scared of contracting coronavirus, governors like Newsom should get a little something extra in their paychecks. He and his ilk have succeeded in instilling fear in a generally stoic America about a virus with a 99.74% recovery rate. How sad. It makes one wonder if the patriotic descriptor “land of the free, home of the brave” still applies. ~ Read more from Pennel Bird.