Labor Day, that one day a year that ostensibly honors the contribution of labor unions in America, is upon us. Don’t buy the hype. Labor Day is nothing more than the US government’s way of co-opting the holy celebration of May Day – and it’s time we took it back.
A Most Woke History
Originally established back in Rome by the Democratic Socialists of Aphrodite, the ancient Maiouma (so named in the olden days because it was celebrated in the month of May-Artemisios) was a nocturnal dramatic festival held every three years in which followers of Aphrodite and Dionysus partook of strikes, protests, and drunken orgies in celebration of free love, free money, and free time as taught by the most enlightened gods of any pantheon. Those progressives of yore – called paganus in the local tongue of the time but erroneously modernized by white conservatives to pagan – were fed up with the Republic’s abuse of the proletariat.
Their efforts paid off, and Rome became a bastion of sound government and central planning that ushered in a new era of wokeness and welfare. Under the great Emperor Commodus, whose reign is commemorated in porcelain monuments the world over, the people received reparations for the generations of oppression under the old Republic.
The Big Lie
Then the bigoted Emperor Constantine – a heterosexual, cisgender, white Christian male, of course – called the divine celebration obscene and abolished the holiday.
But you can’t keep a good progressive down, and May Day is still celebrated in honor of the old ones throughout Europe and a few utopias of Democratic control in the US like Chicago, Seattle, and San Francisco. But while most of the woke world celebrates May Day with the customary strikes and calls for less work and more money, the US government culturally appropriated it with Labor Day – as if we wouldn’t notice just because they moved it to September!
And the worst part is that it actually worked. While the bosses and bourgeois of the nation enjoy their beer and BBQ or their ski boats on the lake, the real workers in Walmarts, McDonalds, and Starbucks across the country are forced to either sit at home without pay (sitting at home is fine, but without compensation!?) or work on this most holy of days. Still the poor and uneducated don’t know any better. They’ve been indoctrinated to be good little workers and not complain. Too many don’t know that it is their right by birth to receive a reasonable living wage, whether they work or not, or that no one with a net worth under a million dollars should be forced to pay for housing, food, medical care, or the most necessary of life’s necessities – an iPhone!
Let’s Take it Back
So let’s take back our day, comrades – and let’s do it for those poor souls who don’t even know how oppressed they are. This year let’s really stick it to the man. If your boss had the audacity to schedule you to work, no-call no-show the ba***rd! Or even better: Stand in front of the door to the business and decry the great oppressor to any who dare enter, lest unbeknownst to them – or even beknownst to them – they should support such skullduggery with their business.
Don’t have a job? Well done, comrade, you’re on the right track! Find your local group of activists – there’s bound to be an Antifa or PeTA meeting at a Starbucks near you, though any other organized protest group will suffice – and do your part. Throw those concrete milkshakes and smash those windows. If a small business owner or some middle manager dares demand you desist, punch that Nazi right in the neck. Violence is wrong, of course, but it’s not violence if they’re bad people, you know.
How ever you choose to contribute, know that you don’t stand alone. You are special. You are appreciated. And yes, you do deserve this day. Take it back.