For two thousand years, theologians, biblical scholars, preppers, and everyone else who worries about whether they will get to enjoy their retirement have struggled to unlock the meaning of the Book of Revelation. When will these horrific events come to pass? Are the signs already being missed? Exactly how loud are those trumpets? Most importantly; who is the Antichrist? Well, take solace, dear reader, in the knowledge that we now have the answers to all these questions. When President Donald Trump’s next Supreme Court pick takes the bench, the apocalypse will be upon us.
To be clear, the Antichrist is not mentioned in the Book of Revelation but who, other than devout Christians, is aware of that? Nobody, that’s who. Two unsavory characters are spoken of in that book, however; the beast and the false prophet. Listening to the left’s anti-Trump hyperbole, it is safe to assume that Trump himself is the beast and, judging by the hysteria over his impending second Supreme Court nomination, it appears that the false prophet may be his selection.
Dark Days Ahead
The certainty of this had not been plainly spelled out until Jeffrey Toobin, fearless and clueless scribe for The New Yorker and CNN illegal analyst, penned a comment for the former’s latest issue. His opinion piece was titled How Trump’s Supreme Court Pick Could Undo Kennedy’s Legacy. Word on the street is that Toobin’s editor insisted he replace “God’s Word” with “Kennedy’s Legacy.”
The general thrust of Toobin’s piece is that whoever Trump selects will ensure the Court rolls back everything that is good and decent in modern society, ushering in centuries of chaos, death, and destruction.
So, what of Nostratoobus’ exact predictions of how these nine, black-robed demons will crush the spirit of man and deliver us into Lucifer’s arms? The retiring Anthony Kennedy was known to swing both ways. He was bi-prudent, one might say. He often voted with the more conservative Justices but certainly not in all cases. The assumption is that Trump will nominate someone who struggles with no such personality flaws; someone who will invariably take the conservative position, thus, steering the Court away from 5-4 decisions that fall on both sides of the ideological divide to 6-3 decisions that always reflect the conservative view.
Gays Screwed, Not In a Good Way
Roe v. Wade will be overturned, says Toobin, leading to bans on abortion across the country. Medical professionals who conduct the procedure will be clapped in irons and left to rot in underground dungeons; their only company an old man in a loincloth who mutters about once being next in line to the throne of France while stroking his long, grey beard.
Retail and service-industry businesses will be allowed to refuse entry to gays unless they are escorted immediately to the roof for the traditional afternoon flying lessons. The court will “guarantee” – Toobin asserts – that Latinos and African Americans will be unable to attend “élite universities.” He fails to explain how the court would do this, just as he fails to explain his prediction that the Court “will approve laws designed to hinder voting rights.”
Constitution Says What?
This is not the worst of it, though, writes Loony Toobin; conjuring up scenes right out of the Book of Revelation, the intrepid scribbler warns us that the Court, now ablaze with murderous, right-wing zeal, will “sanction execution by grotesque means.” Perhaps he is suggesting that convicted criminals will be forced to read The New Yorker.
In addition to ensuring that machine guns and bump stocks will be on sale at 7-Elevens, county fairs, and lemonade stands across the country, the Court will reek still more havoc on America: “And these are just the issues that draw the most attention,” Toobin gasps. “[T]he Constitution grants only those rights that the Supreme Court says it grants,” he concludes, “and a new majority can and will bestow those rights, and take them away, in chilling new ways.”
Wait…what? The Constitution grants only those rights that the Supreme Court says it grants? No, Jeffey, that is only how the left thinks it works.
And so, dear reader, this humble writer suggests that you figure out how to get raptured before the first Monday in October. After that, we are all doomed.
