The Party’s Over: New Yorkers Brace For de Blasio’s Return

In truth, the best thing Bill De Blasio ever did for the people of New York City was to run for president. Campaigning for the Democratic Party 2020 nomination meant that the mayor spent a lot less time in New York and, thus, less time doing mayor stuff. As New Yorkers are painfully aware, when de Blasio does mayor stuff, things tend to get screwed up and life for that city’s unfortunate residents becomes at once more oppressive, more inconvenient, and more expensive.

The reprieve ended, though, when the mayor on September 20 announced that he was ending his presidential campaign. “I'm gonna end my presidential campaign,” he said on MSNBC’s Morning Joe. He also said some other things but, frankly, who cares?

Putting the ‘Pain’ in Campaign

It is only fair that any review of de Blasio’s challenge for his party’s nomination is as brief and hilarious as the campaign itself: Lasting a mere four months, the mayor’s presidential run consistently attracted an impressive zero percent of primary voters, according to most polls. Somewhere to the left of Mao Zedong, yet always pretending to be slightly to the right of Bernie Sanders, Bill’s greatest achievement on the campaign trail was his August 7 appearance on the Fox News show Hannity, which generated massive ratings. It should be noted, though, that the mayor may have previously signed a law requiring all residents of his city to watch the show.

Even then, it would be wrong to assume that people tuned in (tuned in? Does anyone actually do that anymore? What a strange turn of phrase in this electronic age. Exploring such anachronisms is actually far more interesting than talking about de Blasio … )

Anyway, it would be wrong to assume that people tuned in to Hannity just to see de Blasio. That show attracted 3.3 million viewers. Conversely, when the mayor appeared on an August 25 town hall hosted by CNN, he was watched by a paltry 376,000 Americans – none of whom lived within walking distance of the nearest bar, it can be assumed.

Essentially, de Blasio’s campaign was based entirely on the premise that, as mayor of America’s biggest city, he was the most qualified to be president. The flaw in that premise, though, is that few Americans have any desire to see the entire country reflect the way things are done in the Big Apple. Big city folk rarely understand that the rest of the country hates them. This is true not just of the United States: In rural France, it is practically customary to spit on the sidewalk when a car with a Paris license plate drives by.

The idea that, in this day and age, a wealthy and prominent New Yorker could possibly win the White House is almost preposterous. Then again, it actually happened – but de Blasio is no Trump. The former oozes smug, leftist elitism and the latter – well – the latter entertains the rest of us by constantly trolling smug, leftist elites.

Some interesting facts about the name “Blasio”: It has a Latin root and, according to a well-known numerology website, means “stutterer.” Also according to the numerological interpretation, the ruling planet of those with the name “Blasio” is Uranus. Enough said.

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