Satire: Buying an Egg Sandwich in Kamala Harris’ 2022 America

You: Good morning.

Clerk: Good morning! Welcome to Fresh Start Convenience Market. Let's see, we got one egg and cheese sandwich, one large coffee, and a banana. Anything else today?

You: That'll do it.

Clerk: That's $10.41 with taxes.

You: [Fumbles for wallet]

Clerk: I'm sorry, we don't accept cash.

You: I come here all the time. I paid with cash three days ago.

Clerk: We've updated our policies to better serve you.

You: I'd be better served if you let me pay cash.

Clerk: For our customers' protection, we only accept bank-approved cards with chip technology. You'd be surprised at how many dangerous individuals try to hide themselves by paying for things with cash these days.

You: Um, well, okay, not sure if this is gonna work or not. I have a chip card, but my local bank just got bought out by AmeriGlobal. They were supposed to send me a new and advanced card.

Clerk: You can use a credit card if you like.

You: [Sheepishly] Yeah, I ... I don't have one of those anymore. Okay, let's give it a shot.

Clerk: The chip is showing that on Sept. 23, 2018, you declared in a Facebook post that you are a nationalist. [Picks up laminated form paper.] President Harris' In This Together executive order on domestic terrorism states that nationalism is inherently associated with white supremacy. According to the Justice Department task force, white supremacy is the leading cause of domestic terrorism in our country today. As such, your purchase has been declined.

You: All I want is an egg sandwich.

Clerk: I can't help you with that.

You: This is ridiculous. Give me the card back.

Clerk: I can't do that until the police arrive. It's standard store procedure when a terrorist threat is imminent.

You: Imminent? All I wanted was a breakfast sandwich and a banana.

Clerk: The police will be here soon. They're very quick to respond on these matters.

[Three minutes later]

Police: Good morning. Is this the customer? Hello, your preferred pronouns, please.

You: Oh, for God's sake.

Police: I'm gonna ask for your cooperation as we get to the bottom of this. Your pronouns?

You: [Groan] He. Him. Sir.

Police: Okay, sir. Let's see. Says here you've been identified as fitting the profile for a domestic terror threat. Are you familiar with President Harris' executive order?

You: I'm familiar with it. What does it have to do with me buying a breakfast sandwich?

Police: We're all in this together in combating the threat of terror in our nation. Now turn around and put your hands on the counter.

You: Why?

Police: I have to search you for weapons and possible explosive devices. It's standard procedure with all terror threats.

You: What threat? I tried to buy an egg sandwich.

Police: Your chip readout says you tweeted "Make America Great Again" on March 11, 2016. The Say Their Names Hate Speech Law passed by Congress specifically defines that slogan as a white supremacist chant. Perhaps you should have thought about all this before attempting your purchase this morning, sir.

You: But I'm hungry.

Police: Turn around, please.

You: [Turns and spreads]

Police: No weapons. Can you tell me which vehicle is yours in the parking lot?

You: The red Toyota Camry.

Police: Thank you, sir. If you’ll just hand me the keys, I have to search the vehicle as well.

You: No, no, no, no. I'm not consenting to that. Where's your warrant?

Police: Sir, under the newly passed federal Protecting Us All Act, the fact that you have been tagged as a probable domestic terrorist authorizes me to execute this search. Now do you want to give me the keys, or should I smash in a window?

You: I just want to get out of here and go home. [Hands over keys]

Police: Yes, sir. We'll hopefully have you on your way soon. Your license hasn't been revoked yet?

You: No, my license hasn't been revoked. Why would it be?

Police: Based on the social credit score I'm seeing here, it should have been by now. Driving is a privilege, sir, not a right. And that privilege does not apply to insurrectionists and traitors.

You: What's gonna happen to my car?

Police: We'll impound it.

You: Impound? When do I get it back?

Police: I wouldn't worry about that. Based on the usual fines you can expect for your escapade today, the city will probably use its civil asset forfeiture laws to seize it. That's standard procedure in domestic terrorist cases like this.

You: Escapade? I tried to buy an egg sandwich.

Police: Yes, sir. Do you have someone who can come pick you up?

You: Yeah, if you can let me use a phone. My cell company cut my service.

Police: I'm sorry, I can't let probable domestic terrorists have access to communication devices.

You: Can you call for me?

Police: I can't do that, sir.

You: Can you call me a cab?

Police: No taxi in this city will pick up a domestic terrorist.

You: How about an Uber then?

Police: Is that an attempt at humor, sir?

You: Any buses come around here?

Police: As you well know, all nationalists have been placed on a public transportation no-go list. It's for the safety of the community that you pose a threat to, sir.

You: Well, what am I supposed to do, then, walk? It's five miles to my home.

Police: That would be my suggestion.

You: You realize it's 15 degrees out?

Police: Yes, I do, sir. You probably want to get started, there's supposed to be a mix of sleet and heavy rain coming in an hour or so.

You: I can't believe this is happening. How is this happening?

Police: And I'll have to confiscate that heavy coat you’re wearing before you go. Probable domestic terrorist threats can't be allowed to wear any items of clothing that can be used to conceal weapons or explosives.

You: But you already searched me.

Police: You are part of an extensive and dangerous network. You may have access to hidden arms caches on your route home.

You: But there's nothing but five miles of strip malls on the main roads leading to my house.

Police: I can't let you leave with the coat, sir. I have my directives.

You: It's freezing out there.

Police: Should have thought about that before ...

You: Yeah, yeah, right. I know. I should have thought about that before trying to buy an egg sandwich.

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