Editor’s note: Liberty Nation’s national security correspondent takes a satirical swipe at a government-funded study of lizard lifestyles at the Fort Carson Army base in Colorado.
US National Security Strategy has failed to address a significant threat to the least of America’s creatures: Colorado’s female lizards. Sure, China is a concern, with its nuclear arsenal and threatening rhetoric directed at the US’s friend Taiwan. Obviously, Russia’s unprovoked and devastating invasion of Ukraine and threat to use tactical nuclear weapons against the West is scary. Of course, Iran striving to be a nuclear nation and North Korea’s nuclear-capable underwater vehicle testing are worries, naturally. But in its rush to secure the safety of Americans from civilization-eliminating global dangers, the Department of Defense has neglected and callously disregarded the least of God’s smallest and most vulnerable creatures.
Liberty Nation is grateful to Sharon Udasin, writing for The Hill, for raising the awareness of a subject that every American concerned about US national military capability should know. “Rare female lizards that reside around Colorado’s Fort Carson Army Base are ‘stress eating’ to cope with military aircraft flyover noise, a new study has found,” Udasin warns. Who knew? The study explains the decibels of noise from the military helicopters were as loud as a symphony orchestra. Unfortunately, whether the orchestra was playing Bartok, Stravinsky, or Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake was unclear from the Ft Carson (US Army)-funded study.
Courageous Whiptail Lady Lizard Comes Forward
In an unusual demonstration of individual courage, one of the female lizards seeking psychological counseling to cope with aircraft noise from Ft. Carson sought to take her plight public. A member of the Colorado checkered whiptails, a unique species of lizard – we’ll call her Lydia – consented to give Liberty Nation an exclusive interview concerning her personal story. She was very brave. “I’ve gained almost three-tenths of a gram. The most I’ve ever weighed,” Lydia confessed. “I can’t stop myself. I hear an Apache AH-64 attack helicopter fly over, and the only thing I think about is where is my next deerfly larvae, now and then a termite. I feel like, well I need a grub. It’s a devastating feeling, very stressful,” teary-eyed Lydia sobbed.
“I try to compensate by, well you know, not moving as much. But the less I move, the more I eat. We don’t even have males to criticize to relieve the stress, cause we’re an all-female species. You know we’re also called ‘racerunners,’ and I’m just not keeping up the sleek, speedy image,” Lydia complained. “It’s clear hearing the noise, the noise is why I’m in therapy.” When LN asked if others were experiencing the same eating disorder, Lydia brightened and said, “Oh yes. We have formed a support group we call the ‘National Environmentally Worried Taskforce’ (NEWT). We’re trying to get that insurance gecko to be our spokeslizard,” Lydia said proudly.
LN contacted Ft Carson for comment, but the public affairs office did not respond. However, when LN contacted the Pentagon’s public affairs office, the Defense Department issued this statement:
“The Department of Defense (DOD) takes very seriously allegations military aircraft noise is causing eating irregularities in the environment’s creatures. Consequently, the DOD has established a Joint All-domain Multi-Functional Working Group within the Director for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Office to ensure the Department addresses the most significant threats to national security. The office will be similar to the All-domain Anomaly Resolution Office looking into UFO sightings. Accusations the US armed force has a callous disregard for the Colorado lizards is categorically false.”
The Pentagon went on to say that the Office Under Secretary for Acquisition and Sustainment is among the offices involved. “We’re looking at a lot of cutting-edge technologies to counter the noise-induced lizard obesity and eating disorder problems (NILOED). One very promising effort underway is micro-noise canceling earphones or MNCEs. Currently, it’s a problem keeping headsets on the little suckers. But we’ll solve that issue, we’re confident,” a Pentagon acquisition official wishing to remain anonymous told LN. “But we don’t see fielding the MNCEs for five to ten years of developmental and operational testing. We want to get it right for the warfighter.”
Across the US, Female Lizard Stress-Eating a Concern
(Brian van der Brug / Los Angeles Times via Getty Images)
To find out what folks across America thought about the NILOED issues, LN talked to Mr. Sven K. Svenquist (not his real name for security reasons) from Lindstrom, Minnesota. Sven was very concerned about the fat lizard problem near Ft. Carson. “Oh, you betcha, I’m worried about them there lizards. You start get’n your Whiptails overweight and who knows where that’ll lead. Fill’in my tractor is three time’s more expensive cause of Bidenflation. I’m be’in told my cows fart’n out methane are lead’n to a climate catastrophe, but truth be told, I want my tax dollars to help them overeat’n lizards, don’t ya know,” Sven told LN.
As Sven Svenquist so eloquently put it, “who knows where that’ll lead.” Wake up, America. It’s only a matter of time before loud symphonies, chainsaws, popping champaign-bottle corks, and flyovers by Apache helicopters will drive citizens to stress-gobble meals. If you thought Americans had an obesity problem before, don’t take Lydia the Lizard’s psychological predicament seriously, and we’ll be easy pickings for the Chinese.
This warning was a paid satirical public announcement by the concerned staff at Liberty Nation.
The views expressed are those of the author and not of any other affiliation.
