Who is Joe Biden? This is question well worth asking since he is currently the front-runner for the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination and yet his entire campaign may be an illusion. Biden himself may not even be a real person. The old, white guy boring small crowds into a coma across the Midwest may be a big, fat phony.

I borrowed the term “big, fat phony” from Family Guy and I can do that because I’m talking about a man who, himself, has “borrowed” his entire persona and political platform from others. After all, this is “Uncle Joe” we’re talking about; there is nothing genuine about him. He’s not even the first “Uncle Joe” – that was Joseph Stalin.

Undefinable Biden

Biden is a spectral figure when you think about it; he is entirely undefinable. There is not a single policy issue on which he stands firm. He’s a political chameleon, changing color to blend in with the Democratic Party’s ever-changing background. You think the former Vice President holds a certain position on an issue, then … Bam! He has the opposite stance.

In 1987, A Welshman by the name of Neil Kinnock was the leader of the Labour Party in Britain. In May of that year, Kinnock delivered a rather self-congratulatory speech to the Welsh Labour Party. Just four months later, Biden – or the man calling himself Biden – gave the same address, almost word for word, while campaigning for president. That piece of plagiarism sunk his campaign.

Did Biden learn a lesson, though? Not a chance. Why would he? Plagiarism is a life-long habit for the former Senator. Back in 1987, after he stole Kinnock’s speech, The New York Times reported that Biden had also plagiarized a law review article for a paper he had to write in school.

In fact, it gets worse: Biden’s first known transgression occurred when he was christened. Yes, that’s right; Joseph R. Biden Jr. plagiarized his own father’s name. How can we even know we’re dealing with a real person, here? Maybe DNA testing is in order so that we might find out the true identity of the man we know today, variously, as Uncle Joe, Creepy Uncle Joe, Sleepy Joe, Hidin’ Biden, Fingers Biden, Sniffin’ Joe, Sloppy Joe, Creepy Sleepy Joe, or Sleepy Sloppy Joe.

Fast forward to 2019. Having been given a pass, it seems, for his conduct toward members of the opposite sex – something he “borrowed” from Jeffrey Dahmer – Biden has been caught yet again. No sooner had he unveiled his new plan to take on climate change than he found himself ridiculed for having copied at least one section from a 2017 document produced by the Blue Green Alliance, a clean energy advocacy group.

Even Biden’s campaign slogan, “Make America America Again,” was lifted from none other than creepy porn lawyer Michael Avenatti – who, in turn, stole it from someone else, as it is a slogan that’s been used numerous times before.

Cotton Eye Joe

At this point, one has to wonder: Who is Joe Biden? Is he real or just a figment of the imagination? Is he not just the manifestation of some deep-seated desire – on the part of some Americans – to have, as a presidential candidate, a funny old, plain-spoken uncle figure who makes them feel at ease and who may really understand their everyday struggles? That slightly weird but slightly comical old guy who seems like the type you’d like to have a beer with, even though he occasionally grosses you out with his groping of women and girls and sometimes makes you laugh with his folksy racism?

Isn’t it strange that Biden didn’t show up at the recent California Democratic Convention? All the other leading Democratic wannabes were there, after all. Isn’t it a little suspicious that he holds tiny rallies in towns that nobody has ever heard of? Isn’t it bizarre that polls are suggesting Biden is not only crushing the Democratic field but that he is also likely to beat President Donald Trump in a landslide, yet his campaign is so low-profile and low-energy that one can barely detect its presence at all?

In the words of one the greatest songs ever written: Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton Eye Joe?

For two years, the entire nation was captivated by Russia collusion, and yet it was nothing more than a fable. Have we fallen for another grand illusion now? Is Joe Biden, in fact, nothing more than a mythical figure whose story was passed down through the families of Democrats over the decades? A bogeyman figure, maybe? “Now go to sleep, honey, or Joe Biden will get you!” It’s unnerving, to say the least, and the American people deserve to know who Joe Biden really is and what he stands for.

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