What in the Wide World of Sports is going on with the Democratic Party? Its collection of 2020 hopefuls is decidedly motley. Its values, if they can be described as such, are comprehensible only to the wokest of the woke. Its loyal supporters may well be at their wit’s end: They must decide between a swamp-dwelling, hair-sniffing, Ukrainian-prosecutor-firing career politician who offers nothing hopeful but just might – in a month of Sundays with blue moons – beat President Donald Trump and a cantankerous, Venezuelan-dictator-loving, revolution-promising caviar Communist who will never beat Trump but will kill the old, establishment party stone dead if he wins the nomination.
Well, all is not lost. Actually, it is – but there’s no better way to begin a paragraph. Democratic Party stalwarts – elderly statesmen, one might say, and elderly stateswomen – heroes to zeroes of years past – are crawling out of the strip mall bingo hall to save the day.
Hillary Wants In From the Cold
First up: Hillary Clinton. She got into the White House once before without doing anything to deserve it. Now she could be planning to recreate the feat. There’s a ripple running through the media and social media worlds, of late; an almost sinister and ominous undercurrent approaching the not-yet-constructed stage at the Democratic National Convention, just like that time Jaws snuck up on unsuspecting swimmers. Could Hillary be angling for a V.P. slot? Would any nominated Democrat put her on the ticket? If so, would he or she need to beef up the Secret Service detail? Might we witness the first presidential suicide? Well, stupid question – like Trump’s impeachment trial, there will be no witnesses.
Clinton has been on a rampage of self-promotion pretty much ever since she lost the 2016 election. Hulu is going to debut in March a four-hour documentary (not all at once, mercifully) on Clinton’s life. In March! Just after Super Tuesday, in fact. If you believe that the timing is coincidental, this author has a bridge you should buy.
Recently interviewed by The Hollywood Reporter, Clinton was clearly making her pitch for an Oscar – the one awarded to Least Self-Aware Supporting Actor. She also appeared to be pitching herself for a lead role in the upcoming epic electoral defeat of her party. “I have had so many people [urge me to get into the 2020 race]. Every day,” she said. “Thankfully, I still have a voice and a following.”
“Look, I could have a perfectly wonderful life without ever poking my head into the public arena again. But that’s not how I was raised… Does it get discouraging? Do you feel like you want to pull the covers over your head? Yes. But it’s just not how I’m made, and it’s not what I think this country that I love and I’ve tried to serve should stand for. So, I get back in the fray.”
It’s that getting back in the fray bit that may have a lot of people worried, though the president’s supporters will get a chuckle out of it, no doubt.
John Kerry? Really?
Then there’s former Secretary of State, former presidential candidate, and former Addams Family butler, John Kerry. NBC reports that he was overheard, recently, speaking to someone over the phone from a hotel in Des Moines, Iowa.
According to the report, Kerry was “explaining what he would have to do to enter the presidential race amid ‘the possibility of Bernie Sanders taking down the Democratic Party — down whole.’” When asked about the conversation, the former windsurfer claimed he was “absolutely not” considering jumping into the 2020 race. He later told NBC: “This is a complete and total misinterpretation based on overhearing only one side of a phone conversation.”
Yes indeed, John. The president would sympathize with you, no doubt. There’s nothing worse than people making assumptions based on one side of a telephone conversation they overheard.
The fact that any of this is even a topic of conversation demonstrates the woeful condition of today’s Democratic Party. Joe Biden can barely remember what state he’s in when he speaks in front of literally tens of adoring supporters on the campaign trail. Yet, he is still barely the frontrunner – at least on a national level – and party fogeys everywhere are beginning to suspect that he will not hold off a challenge from Bernie, the crazy, finger-wagging commie. So afraid are said fogeys of what mayhem Bernie will bring down upon the party – not to mention losing bigly to the White House incumbent – should he win the nomination that they, themselves – the fogeys – may be plotting a coup.
If Democrats are looking to those who failed so spectacularly in the past for rescue, they might as well strike camp now, head back to their basement in Area 51 and ride out four more years of Donald J. Trump. This is not the case, though. The fever dreams of Kerry and Clinton amount to nothing. The Democratic Party ship willingly marooned them on a deserted island and happily sailed away, on a direct collision course with the big brother of the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. Will Bernie or Joe or someone else be at the wheel as the hull fills with Trump Cabernet? It really doesn’t matter.
Read more from Graham J. Noble.