Hell Yes, I’m Gonna be Governor of Texas, Says Beto O’Rourke

They say everything’s bigger in Texas, and apparently that includes the dreams and the jokes. Speaking of jokes, former congressman Beto O’Rourke has a dream. On November 15, O’Rourke, who is white, launched his campaign for governor of the Lone Star State. Hell yes. Just when complaining about how incompetent the Biden administration turned out to be was getting tedious, a gift from the political heavens appeared and all is right with the world again.

O’Rourke, who most people would consider the quintessential Texan – on opposite day – has a particularly good reason for his new quest: Benjamins. Yes, that’s right, because boatloads of cash are sure to be dumped upon him. No supply chain concerns there. And even if he ultimately fails, he’ll walk away with probably at least one boatload, so good for him – that’s capitalism at its finest.

What’s to stop him from giving current Texas Governor Greg Abbott (R) the alligator skin boot? Probably just one promise made during a Democratic Party presidential primary debate back in 2019. “Hell yes, we’re gonna take your AR-15, your AK-47… “ said O’Rourke. No Second Amendment supporter is ever going to forget those words. File them alongside “basket of deplorables,” “I am not a crook,” “read my lips: no new taxes,” “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” and “Oh, you know, the thing,” in the library of stupid or dishonest things politicians said that will live forever.

That Will Be Some Good TV

Quite apart from the obvious disregard for constitutional rights, those words will remain an albatross around O’Rourke’s neck for so many reasons – particularly if he expects to get enough votes in gun-friendly Texas to oust the incumbent governor. In part, it was the then-presidential candidate’s manner as he spoke; the fake outrage, the oh-so-belabored attempt to come over as tough and determined. O’Rourke isn’t exactly the tough-guy type. In fact, as this humble author previously observed, he’s more like one of those flailing inflatable tube men that adorn the lots of low-budget car dealerships. All of which, of course, leads one to ask: Who’s this “we” in “Hell yes, we’re gonna take your AR-15… “? Is Beto himself going to be confiscating guns in Texas? If so, on which channel will it be televised? Even if it’s pay-per-view it’ll be worth it.

Beto’s main problem is that he doesn’t actually have a platform. Nothing that has ever come out of his mouth inspired anyone to rub their chin – or anyone else’s chin – and think, hmmm, yes, now that’s a good idea!

Still, this lanky, awkward, insufferable rich kid – a poster-child for white privilege, if ever there was one – is used to losing. In fact, he’s almost made an art form of it. He’s the Detroit Lions of politics. Well, he did once get elected to Congress, so maybe he’s the Houston Texans of politics.

Either way, win or lose – or drop out before the election even comes around (odds, anyone?) – Señor O’Rourke is sure to keep us all entertained for at least another few months and perhaps beyond. For that, America owes him a debt of gratitude because there doesn’t appear to be too much else to laugh about.

~ Read more from Graham J. Noble.