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Beto: The Intersection of RFK and the Inflatable Tube Man

No amount of arm flailing or waving will get him elected president.

Robert Francis O’Rourke comes from a long line of Irish Latinos. His ancestors arrived in Massachusetts from Galway in the early 1800s and set out for Texas. Somewhere around Oklahoma City, they got impressively drunk and, yadda yadda yadda, woke up in Mexico, eventually making their way back to Texas in time for happy hour.

After losing a close Senate race in 2016 to a Republican incumbent – who, ironically, is of factual Latino descent – “Beto” O’Rourke shot to fame as the new Democratic Party face of white privilege. It is not yet clear if O’Rourke uses the name “Beto” simply because that was the nickname given to him as a child or if he wants to claim minority status for personal gain. Perhaps someone should ask Elizabeth Warren which one she thinks is more likely.

Having declared for the Democratic presidential nomination, O’Rourke is now a sensation – raising a staggering $6.1 million and 748 boxes of Lucky Charms in his first 24 hours of campaigning. This amount exceeds that raised by aging socialist millionaire Bernie Sanders, who may have to mortgage one of his homes to keep up.

Floats Like a Bee, Stings Like a Butterfly

So, who is Robert Francis O’Rourke? He bills himself as all things to all people. He writes terrible poems about cows. He rides a skateboard. He’s a cross between an arm-flinging inflatable tube man and Bobby Kennedy.

Remarkably, O’Rourke campaigns without a platform. Now, the same could be said for most Democrats who run for office; they tend to campaign on empty platitudes and vague catchphrases that include (pick any combination of the following): inequality, fairness, working families, health care, tolerance, justice. However, Beto has really mastered the art of bringing nothing new to the table and doing it with boundless enthusiasm.

He backs the Green New Deal – fittingly, for a human wind turbine — and he wants to remove border walls and give people free stuff. According to Milwaukee’s Journal Sentinel, his trade policy would “prioritize American workers” and “ensure that they’re not put at a competitive disadvantage from other workers in other countries.” Never mind that the current president is doing exactly that, and Democrats hate him for it.

“I want Wisconsin to know that I’m here,” O’Rourke said during a campaign trip. He’s already doing better than Hillary at the same point, but is that enough? Is just being there enough to win him favor in the cheesehead state? “I’m listening to those who I wish to serve, learning from them, and I’m going to come back, repeatedly.”

Basically, then, he’s urging voters to write their policy suggestions on a postcard, wrap it in a $50 bill, and send it to him, care of the El Paso Municipal Hospital for the Easily Distracted.

Annoying Bastard

Beto O’Rourke

Those poor Democrats are always looking for the next big thing. Barack Obama managed to catch lightning in a bottle, way back in 2008, but he had a more acceptable skin tone. Also, Obama knew how to stand still while speaking. When Beto speaks, he infects his audience with nervous energy. As they watch the lanky git waffle on, these people in the crowd are not asking themselves what they can do for their country or even what their country can do for them. They’re asking, “Does this guy need to pee? Why didn’t he pee before he started talking? What’s he pointing at? Now he’s waving – who’s he waving at? You gonna eat that cheese?”

No, Beto is not the next Obama. He’s not the next JFK. He’s a nervous, white, Irish-American with only a borrowed vision for the future. He speaks highly of himself but has yet to realize that his narrow defeat by Ted Cruz wasn’t about him; it was about the left’s obsessive desire to unseat Cruz. Whoever had run against the Texas senator would have been the recipient of equal enthusiasm, whether his name was Beto O’Rourke, Bozo The Clown or Chucky The Killer Doll From That Movie.

If his fellow primary competitors don’t beat this annoying guy to death in the meantime, O’Rourke will get crushed at the first primary debate, and then he’ll be off back to Texas to open an aerobics studio for washed-up boy band members.

Read More From Graham J Noble

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