The things you may not know and might not want to hear about plagued heartlanders this week as fake food slimed its way into the political dialogue, Iran can’t seem to make up its mind on opening the Straight of Hormuz, and Rosie O’Donnell has another meltdown over her nemesis, Donald J. Trump. The two step is only fun when you are scooting across the sawdust in the honky-tonk. Add politics and someone is always dancing backwards.
Iran: Don’t Make Eye Contact
The tranquil heartland was still a bit feisty even after Iran decided it needed to take a time out. Country people understand that no fish would ever get caught if it kept its mouth shut. Perhaps the barren country was searching for additional Supreme Leaders that weren’t injured in the barrage of bombs targeted at the terrorist regime. In a baseball stadium nutshell, no one buys that Iran can even tell the truth. As Gary Stidham writes: “Iran: ‘Trust us Bro.’” Donald Trump and Iranian Foreign Minister Seyed Abbas Araghchi announced Friday that the Strait of Hormuz was officially open. By Saturday, it was closed again. Just so there is no confusion or misunderstanding no one in the boondocks trusts any Iranian.
Trump crowed the news all over social media too: “Iran has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again. It will no longer be used as a weapon against the World!” Well, so much for that thought. Why even open it to begin with? Danny Hosey in Georgia had the answer: “We know what really opened it. The US NAVY.” And Travis Neal Terrell, in Oklahoma, wondered: “Are the Iranians aware that they agreed to this?”
Middle America folks had their doubts: They have been through several Hell freezes over moments and leaving an injured and cornered – but revivable Middle Eastern bully – didn’t sit well.
As Texan Michael Todd Morford countered, “a stronger message would be for us to go in, boots on the ground and wipe out Hezbollah without mercy. It would be to put Iran on notice that the next rocket attack on Israel from Lebanon would result in bombs on Tehran.”
Soylent Green? Not in Mississippi
The Mississippi state House passed Bill 1153 this week, which probably has Bill Gates squirming. The bi-partisan legislation halts any manufacture and sale of cell-cultured milk and will force consumers of fake products to read a label that states, in fact, the opposite of meat is what they are buying. And guess what else? Said law will forbid using “meat” to describe “alternative protein products,” such as plant-based foods.
“Sad that there needs to be a law about this,” one gal in Illinois commented.
“We became, with House Bill 1153 this year, the first state in America to outlaw lab-grown dairy products,” Agriculture Commissioner Andy Gipson said. “We want real food for the real people of Mississippi.” And that’s a fine how do you do?! Mississippian Sarah Woods went a step further: “Now raw milk needs to become legal in MS,” which is very popular in the swing states and, well, anywhere in rural enclaves.
Rose Boggess, a Wisconsin farm gal who is of a certain golden age, set everyone straight: “I milked three cows twice daily and drank raw milk after it was strained and I am in my 90s. So, my theory is raw milk is safer than you are to my health.” There was a big “Hell Yeah” from those likeminded individuals who prefer to be their own stewards of health.
But in Roanoke, TX, Ronald Pritchet wanted to go further: “Can they do the same thing with ‘imitation’ crab and call it what it is: FISH?”
The crazy progressives were all about having someone tell them to mask up and eat tofu, so Matt Earwood in Huntington, WV, decided to egg them on: “Oh please, don’t have a cow…”
A Trump 4 Alarm Fire
Heartlanders needed a laugh, and they got it. Rosie O’Donnell, who has lived the last decade hating President Donald Trump and the 70 million people who voted for the guy, is in the news again. Some would surmise there was no Valium left in the medicine chest on the Emerald Isle. O’Donell, who self-deported to Ireland and then came back, went a little bat guano crazy – again:
“We gotta do something America. He just put out a thing that he’s Jesus. He’s threatening to nuke countries. He’s digging up the White House and putting up a Putinesque meets Saudi Arabia ballroom in our White House. He’s arresting people, putting them in detention camps. In case of emergency, break glass and pull the fire alarm. We should all be pulling the fire alarm. It is beyond the beyond at this point.”
O’Donnell has seen a therapist (a lot) and has been advised to stop posting online. Dane Pardon in Wilmot, AR, was confused: “Thought this guy was in Ireland?” In Sterling Heights, MI, Katherine Buchowski Mead was a bit sad: “I was hoping that once she left the country, we would have peace.”
In Case You Missed It
Former first lady Jill Biden entered a $35,000 bid for a chance to have a walk-on role in the queer hockey show Heated Rivalry. Michigander Ryan Douglas agreed: “Please give her the role of the puck.” Alas, it was not to be as she was a bit too chintzy as two anonymous bidders ponied up $250,000 for the NYC LGBT Center.
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