The wheels of legislation have finally ground to a halt. Spectral figures glide through the hallowed corridors of the Capitol Building. Tumbleweeds bounce across the marble floors, propelled by a light breeze from a window left open many years earlier. Lawmakers slouch in deep, leather chairs, staring vacantly at nothing and pensively stroking their mutton chop sideburns – and that’s just the women.
Dark days of haze and malaise. Those who flung themselves into the 2018 election fray – with such hope – and triumphed over their political rivals now wonder why they are there at all.
For congressional Democrats, in particular, the greatest challenge is how to occupy their time. They can pass a bunch of bills in the House of Representatives that have so little bipartisan support that they’ll go nowhere in the Senate. For their investigations, they can demand all manner of documents from the Trump administration that will not be handed over, such as the president’s tax returns, the financial records of his business, and a complete list of breakfast items consumed by his grandmother between June 1 and September 30, 1910. But it’s all for naught.
Democrats Resort to Witchcraft
Something had to be done to break the monotony and overwhelming sense of hopeless despair. A grand gesture was needed: something that would finally turn the tables on the White House, the way the Mueller report was supposed to – but didn’t.
Then, suddenly – like Prometheus bringing stolen fire to humanity and igniting the birth of civilization – it happened. Some genius came up with the idea of actually reading the Mueller report … aloud! What a concept! Like an ancient magic incantation, the hidden meaning of the report would spring to life if recited in its entirety. Word has it, a large cauldron has been prepared.
Where there was no collusion, there would be clear evidence of collusion, just as Adam Schiff (D-CA) always said there was. The American people – most of whom didn’t bother reading the report, of course – would see the light and spring into action to finally depose the dictator. All would be right with the world again.
So, the Great Reading was scheduled. A brave handful of Democrats would take shifts, over the course of 12 hours or more, reading the report. The reading would be live-streamed and, later, released as an audiobook. The transcript would later be printed on tee-shirts. Really, really big teeshirts. The dark secrets of the Trump cabal would finally see the light of day.
What American, after all, would not want to spend an entire half a day of his or her life listening to a bunch of overpaid, narcissistic elitists droning on for what would, without a doubt, seem like an eternity? At least the viewers would be able to alleviate the soul-crushing boredom of it all by playing a drinking game: Belt down a shot every time one of these so-called lawmakers loudly booms the word “REDACTED!”
If the Founding Fathers were alive today they would all kill themselves just so that they could turn over in their graves. The legislative branch of the federal government – or, at least, one half of it – has sunk to this level. A more juvenile and pointless use of their time could not possibly have been imagined – not even by someone with a Ph.D. in juvenility and pointlessness, otherwise known as gender studies.
Nevertheless, the Great Reading takes place May 16, beginning at noon, in the House Rules Committee Room. Rep. Mary Gay Scanlon (D-PA), vice chair of the House Judiciary Committee, will read first. The committee chairman, Jerrold Nadler (D-NY), will follow her. By that time, anyone watching will start scanning the horizon, hoping to see the four horsemen of the Apocalypse.
“We’ve been saying for weeks,” says Scanlon, who organized this clown-show, “that if you think there was no obstruction and no collusion, you haven’t read the Mueller report.” A most bizarre statement. Presumably, Scanlon considers Robert Mueller an imbecile, since, according to her, he led a 22-month, multi-million dollar investigation, meticulously recorded its findings in a 448-page report and completely failed to notice all the collusion that he himself had uncovered and documented.
Comforting, is it not? Knowing your elected representatives are hard at work for the people.
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