Cuddle therapy, concealed carry, and a resurgence of prominence in the Middle East has tongues wagging across flyover states as last week’s incessant blathering on about the government shutdown fades from popular watercooler circles. [perfectpullquote align=”right” bordertop=”false” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=”24″]…most Americans having lived through 9/11 – were horrified.[/perfectpullquote]
After the rebuke from the Oval Office by the Commander-in-Chief and following wooden rebuttal by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and her puppet sidekick, Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY), middle Americans went in search of something fresh.
It’s America, where there is plenty of strange and thought-stimulating news afoot.
Dorothy Wouldn’t Recognize Kansas
Robin Marie of Lawrence, Kansas is raking in $80 an hour for providing a safe space for clients who need a cuddle or two from a complete stranger. She’s managed to convince 30 people – aging in a range from 20 to 75 years old – that her services will be life affirming. Marie is cashing in on the growing movement of touch-therapy, claiming that touch has therapeutic effects because it triggers a release of the neurotransmitter oxytocin.
As Marie explains:
“It can be as simple as me sitting on the couch, just sitting next to someone. It can be holding hands with someone. All the way to where we’re laying horizontal on the bed and we are spooning.”
Patricia, a nurse in Tucson, was out of the gate with “We all know that spooning leads to forking…” And Matt wasn’t far behind, describing his own failure when attempting the therapy: “I’m horrible at cuddling. Few minutes in and I wanna play with boobs.”
A young lady from Lawrence, who wishes anonymity, asked, “How in the Hell is this woman making $80 and hour for being all handsy in the era of the #MeToo movement?”
Marie said the experience is strictly platonic. “The baseline agreement that I have with every client is if either of us is ever uncomfortable, we agree to speak up and say something.”
She’d be a millionaire in a week on a college campus.
Miracle in Chicago
As lists and tallies for 2019 go, Chicago, Illinois, as predicted, leads the pack in gun violence – 42 people have been shot, resulting in 35 wounded, and eight tragic deaths. And it very well could have been 43 dead if not for one 25-year-old woman packing heat – legally.
In the early hours of the morning, on the 500 block of West 103rd Street in Chicago’s Fernwood neighborhood, 19-year old LaAvion Goings whipped out a gun and announced he was going to rob the woman. She responded by shooting him dead. Video surveillance caught the entire incident on camera. Not only is the shoot a good one, this gal with a gun took down a thug alleged to have assaulted the police.
Comments on the local ABC affiliate’s Facebook page were overwhelmingly favorable and posted mostly by women. Cindy Rodriguez offered: “When the unexpected happens, they’ll slow up on trying to be a badass! I would of unloaded on him like a cowboy!”
Lola Gal jumped in, advising that “women in Chicago need to make it a priority to be conceal and carry individuals. I’ve lived in Chicago all my life as my parents and grandparents, life in Chicago is DANGEROUS especially for women.” Mini Sanchez agreed, “best thing to do around here is conceal and carry.”
The shooter’s name has not been released for safety reasons.
Meanwhile, in Cairo
Americans remember Obama’s 2009 Cairo speech, in which he opined:
“I have come here to seek a new beginning between the United States and Muslims around the world; one based upon mutual interest and mutual respect; and one based upon the truth that America and Islam are not exclusive, and need not be in competition. Instead, they overlap, and share common principles – principles of justice and progress; tolerance and the dignity of all human beings.”
Flyover folks – heck, most Americans having lived through 9/11 – were horrified. But Karma arrived in the form of Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, who showed the world who is boss as he took the podium in Cairo, delivering a stinging admonition of former President Barack Obama’s middle east foreign policy:
“It was here, in this city, another American stood before you and told you that radical Islamist terrorism does not stem from ideology. He told you that 9/11 led my country to abandon its ideals, particularly in the Middle East. He told you that the United States and the Muslim world needed ‘a new beginning.’ The results of these misjudgments have been dire.”
The silent majority that roared in 2016 is beginning to see strength and respect return to everyday American life. And oh, boy. Bells were ringing across the plains and the prairies as Pompeo continued, “the age of self-inflicted American shame is over.”
A new year is blossoming with curious escapades that not only entertain, but, at times, horrify those good people living in America’s heartland – perhaps prompting a good body-length cuddle or an application for concealed carry – maybe both.
