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SAY WHAT? Roasting the Dems’ Sad Sack Wannabes

They are such an easy mark for hysterical comedy.

by | Dec 3, 2019 | Articles, Columns, Politics

Editor’s Note: Say What? is the segment of Liberty Nation Radio where we unveil some of the most wacky, astonishing, and damnable things uttered by politicians and the chattering class.

Tim Donner: For those of us who were there for the early days of Saturday Night Live, it was in many ways a life changer. Late-night humor, unparalleled to this day, eviscerated the political class on both sides of the aisle. And while the show for a time veered off into the usual network anti-Trump hatred, it bounced back big time last week with a hysterical spoof of the latest Democratic presidential debate, exposing almost in Trump-like fashion the hard truths about all the party’s candidates.

So let’s dive right into the fun, starting with the on-again-off-again frontrunner and famous fake Indian Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) discussing a holiday recipe centered around what we call corn.

“Elizabeth Warren”: And, of course, this Thanksgiving I’ll be cooking my specialty, maybe don’t say it, the food of my ancestors. Should I say it? I’m going to say it — maize.

Tim: For those of you uninitiated, maize is what Indians called corn. Then SNL went after Sen. Kamala Harris (D-CA), who’s been in a nosedive for months now and desperate for any attention.

“Kamala Harris”: Tonight, I’m not going to worry about the polling numbers. I’m just going to have fun and see if I can get some viral moments. Mama needs a GIF.

Tim: But we’re just getting warmed up. How about Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), the likable enough but ineffectual candidate running in the middle of the pack, leaving you wondering about all her head movement?

“Amy Klobuchar”: I know some of you think I’m shaking because I’m nervous, but this is just my signature quick-quivering bang. Look, I could say a lot about the issues we’ve talked about tonight, but the sad thing is you’re not listening to a word I’m saying because you’re just watching my hair dance on my forehead.

Tim: Okay, since we’ve done all female candidates so far, let’s round it out with a candidate who was spoiling for a fight with the rest of the candidates.

“Rachel Maddow”: And let’s introduce underdog candidate and tonight’s villain, Tulsi Gabbard.

“Tulsi Gabbard”: Thank you, Rachel. What an honor (dripping with sarcasm) it is to be on this stage with my fellow candidates. I want you to know that I smell your fear, and it makes me stronger. I’m wearing the white suit of your fallen hero, Hillary Clinton. Now, fight me, cowards.

Tim: Dark and ominous. Now, let’s bounce back to the top tier of presidential candidates. How about Mayor Pete? Buttigieg, as white as can be, is famously unappealing to black voters.

“Pete Buttigieg”: America, I know I can do this because my supporters are a diverse coalition from young to old, gay to straight — white to eggshell. Thank you.

Tim: Truth hurts and stings, but now get a load of SNL’s take on the guy who has to be the easiest to imitate, Bernie Sanders.

“Bernie Sanders”: I’m very proud of the fact that I was the first heart attack patient to show up to the emergency room in a city bus … A lot of my opponents like to throw the word “socialist” around for me, but let me ask you, is it fair that only the top 2% often get a free biscotti with their coffee? Is it fair that when the top 2% want to turn off the lights in their bedroom, all they have to do is clap? They’ve got the clapper. Shouldn’t we all have clappers? Either everybody has a clapper, or nobody has a clapper, and that’s the America I want to live in.

Tim: That, my friends, is what you call “the truth is surely in the joke.” But there’s now a new lane on the Democrats’ highway to either the White House or hell, controlled by a man who makes Donald Trump look like a pauper, in a party that’s gone out of its way to demonize the rich.

“Michael Bloomberg”: Did somebody say billionaire?

“Rachel Maddow”: No. Mayor Bloomberg, how did you get in here?

“Michael Bloomberg”: Well, I tipped the doorman $30 million. I need to quickly throw in some Spanish because Miguel Bloomberg is en fuego.

Tim: Oh, the pandering, the pandering. But, folks, we’ve saved what I think is the best for last, Saturday Night Live‘s take on the stumbling, bumbling Joe Biden.

“Joe Biden”: I just want everyone to know, America, I see you, and I see the faces you all make when I talk, you’re scared. Scared I’ll say something off color or, even worse, on color. What I want you to know is you should be scared, because I’m always one second away from calling Cory Booker “Barack” … Look, I’m supported by the same coalition that elected Obama, Blafrican Americans, even the Mexi-tinos and the Chorientals … The hearings have made it clear, Donald Trump doesn’t want me to be the nominee. Vladimir Putin doesn’t want me to be the nominee. Nobody in America wants me to be the nominee, but I am confident that I can win the election in 2016.

Tim: So there you go, the sad sack field of candidates trying to unseat President Trump. And all we can say is, they’d better hope Trump doesn’t use any of those sound bites because I’d actually feel sorry for the state of their mental health when he gets done with them.


Read more from Tim Donner.

Read More From Tim Donner

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