Satire: What’s “Left” of the Week – Guns!!!

Editor’s Note: This is a weekly column written by author Graham Noble lampooning our friends on the left because, well, sometimes you just gotta laugh.  In "What's Left of the Week" Graham uses his wit and dry British humor to satirize extreme leftist people, places and things that are stranger than science. Be sure to look for Graham’s LN TV episode that accompanies each satire every Monday.

This week, it was nice to see that the left chose to take the high road and not politicize the Las Vegas massacre at all. The response to this tragedy was completely reasonable. Other than labeling the National Rifle Association a terrorist organization and all gun-owners and Republican politicians as guilty as Stephen Paddock for the murders he committed, there was no visceral reaction at all.

The suggestion, made by some on social media, that the victims deserved what they got because they probably owned guns and voted Republican, was perfectly reasonable.

Guns By the Bucket

The truth is, we all need guns. Lots of them. Handguns, backup handguns, and lots of big, scary guns, A.K.A. assault rifles. Law enforcement officers need guns, civilians need guns, and the movie industry needs guns. Just in the past ten years, Hollywood movie studios, producers, directors, and actors have raked in hundreds of millions of dollars by making movies that feature lots of guns. Think about it.

How would Liam Neeson keep rescuing his kidnap-prone family without guns? How would Matt Damon have survived long enough to discover his identity without guns? Jamie Foxx, without guns, would still be Django Chained.  Sin City would just be another grey, miserable, depressing urban sprawl…so, Newark. American Assassin? He’d just be American With Anger Management Issues.

You built your empire on violence, Hollywood – most of it gun violence. When you actors are not pretending to shoot people with guns, you’re surrounded by protection agents with guns. If a Confederate flag made a man walk into a church in South Carolina and shoot people, then how responsible are your movies and television shows for the violence in America?

And What of Hollywood?

Speaking of Hollywood, how does famous Democrat donor and notorious sexual predator Harvey Weinstein feel lately? Probably with his hands, amiright, ladies? Too soon?

Now that President Donald Trump has made all forms of birth control illegal, we may simply need guns to keep the planet from becoming hopelessly over-populated. Maybe we should start doing an annual purge. You know, like that movie…with all those guns and people getting shot and whatnot.

This week’s wave of hysteria and outrage means that hardly anyone will notice whether NFL players are standing or kneeling this Sunday. A fresh batch of stupid every week.

Meanwhile, talk show host Jimmy Kimmel continues his rise to fame as the conscience of the left. That’s right, the guy who used his own son’s medical condition for ratings and political points. Classy. This time around, he decided to use the murder of 59 innocent concert-goers for – you guessed it – ratings and political points. Kudos to Kimmel, at least, for finally realizing that he’s just not funny. That long-overdue epiphany has made him turn to meaningless political rants in a pitiful attempt to keep his audience interested – much like Samantha Bee.

Insane Ideas

Following the Las Vegas shooting, Kimmel drooled about how several recent mass shootings were carried out with “automatic or semi-automatic rifles, which are not weapons you use for self-defense.” Let’s ignore the fact that none of those shootings involved actual automatic weapons. Instead, let’s consider Kimmel’s notion that semi-automatic weapons are not used for self-defense. Really. In a way, Mr. designer-stubble is admitting that citizens have the right to defend themselves, but he’s also saying that semi-automatic weapons should not be used for such a purpose. By all means, defend yourself, Kimmel is saying; just give your attacker or attackers a fair chance. Why would you possibly need to shoot anyone more than once? After all, it only ever takes one shot in all those movies, right?

It’s always cringe-worthy to be lectured on guns by people who know nothing about guns, just as it’s nauseating to be lectured on respect for women by people who, for years, concealed the behavior of a serial sexual predator. I’m talking to you, Ashley Judd. No, Hillary, it’s OK…go back to sleep; I was talking to Ashley. You see, this is why you weren’t 50 points ahead; you just don’t pay attention. Now you know.

So, in conclusion – and at the risk of negating the need for future What’s Left of the Week columns – I would like to give our preachy leftist friends a profound and carefully-worded piece of advice:

Shut up.

Just. Shut. Up.