While the final body count may not be in yet, this is a fantastic opportunity to take a look at the possible futures of the Democratic Party contenders for president who failed to make it into the third round of the primary debates. In the fashion of child stars and one-hit wonders, let’s take a look in our crystal ball at where the hopeless hopefuls may end up when they finally hang up their well-trodden, well-publicized campaign shoes.
Cory Booker – 2023
Having failed to make the final cut, Cory Booker decided to leave politics and fight for social justice, not on the streets of New Jersey but in the MMA arena. Culturally appropriating a Mexican wrestler mask, the former politico went underground to train his body, heart, and mind in a range of mixed martial arts skills. Using the stage name “Spartacus,” he had his first professional fight in 2021.
His legacy in the ring was secured when, during the introduction of the competitors, the announcer said, “Ladies and gentlemen…” Booker immediately broke down in tears at the callous use of such gendered and non-inclusive language, before he tapped out, citing injury to his moral outrage.
Marianne Williamson – Whereabouts Unknown
Shortly after being denied the Democrat nomination, Marianne Williamson hit the road in a VW camper to teach her brand of love and peace to the flower children of California. During her tour, she discovered that the flower children of her earlier years had up and moved to Wall Street. Disappointed, she joined a band of fellow travelers The Washington Post would later describe as “Manson-esque.”
The last reported sighting of Williamson was in 2031 at the Santa Teresa border crossing in New Mexico, where she engaged in a war of words with border agents, allegedly shouting, “You can’t keep me in!” as she blazed off into the sunset. Official reports suggest that no one tried to stop her.
Tulsi Gabbard – 2028
After losing out on the 2020 Democrat ticket, Tulsi Gabbard, infuriated at the rejection, jumped ship and became President Trump’s running partner. Ascending to vice president position after Trump’s landslide re-election, Gabbard went on to oust Lindsey Graham as the most virulent hawk in the GOP.
Her signing an arms deals with 191 other countries assured that American industry was strong in the run-up to her successful bid for president in 2024. The polling for Gabbard’s second term gave her a 99.9% chance of winning. She lost the election to Gary Johnson, who garnered just 3% of the national vote. No Democrats voted in the election; they stayed home because they believed the media about the projected outcome.
Beto O’Rourke – 2025
The years following Beto O’Rourke’s unsuccessful bid were not kind. In the last days of his campaign, Beto tried appealing to both the Mexican and Irish communities and ended up angering both: He spoke Gaelic to first- and second-generation Mexican immigrants at a rally in Texas and spoke Mexican at a Guinness factory in Boston. Rejected by both communities, he disappeared from public life in 2020.
Moving on several years, Robert “Leroy” O’Rourke has reinvented himself as the unity candidate in inner-city Chicago and is seeking office. He supplements his campaign finances by working as an inflatable tube man at a secondhand car dealership.
Next week, we’ll bring you more visions of the future. Learn what happened when Bernie Sanders tried to declare himself King of Vermont; marvel at the international success of Amy Klobuchar as she makes billions acting as a sedative for dentists around the world. And a whole lot more!
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