Some people are starting to talk about a major slide in the stock market, with the tech sector hit particularly hard. Many others are whispering feverishly that the time for a revolution in the United States has come. The reason, they say, is the administration’s callous decimation of all personal privacy rights. President Donald Trump’s reach has extended too far; he’s now able to touch every person in the country – or, at least, to text them. Wednesday, October 3, 2018: a day that will live in infamy. The day the “Presidential Alert” went out to every cell phone.
In 1984 there were no cell phones; had there been, people today would be saying this is like 1984. “This is like 1984!” Said Tristan Fillmore, a senior at the University of California, Berkeley, as he stared in disbelief at his iPhone, “I just got a … a text message … from Trump!” Fillmore plans to sue Apple but also admits that he has never read 1984 or even seen the movie.
Outrage quickly spread across the country as people everywhere received the “presidential alert.” Feminist Justin Polk, 28, of Minnesota was outraged, describing the alert as “outrageous.” Almost in tears, Polk explained that he had not voted for Trump and was confused as to why the fascist president was alerting him. “Is this some kind of, like, threat?” he blubbered. “I loved Obama,” he went on, adjusting his oddly-shaped pink hat, “I loved him so much I, like, voted for him in every state.”
Leftists who received the alert text – which was nothing more than a test – feel violated, abused, and victimized. On Twitter, they have begun to use the “MeToo” hashtag – rendered meaningless by Democrats in recent days – to signify that they, too, had received the presidential alert. Many have decided to keep their cell phones turned off except when they need to use them, which, they admit, may be a problem. “If I can only update my Facebook status three times a day to avoid Trump’s texts,” said Jenny Adams, 41, “it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”
At least five Hollywood stars have announced their intention to move to Canada, where there are no cell phones. “This time, I mean it,” said one of them, who spoke on condition of being named. It was Jim Carrey.
Protests are being arranged in several major cities and reports say marches will culminate with a mass smashing of cell phones. Hillary Rodham Clinton – who, ironically, also shares her last name with a former U.S. president – has been invited to speak at one of the events, as she is something of an expert in cell phone destruction.
“Boycott cell phones!” screamed protesters outside Trump Tower in Manhattan. Maria Taft, who lives in New York and rushed to the protest after receiving the alert on her own phone, said: “I’m going to call everyone I know and tell them to boycott cell phones.” Senator Elizabeth Warren (D – Little Big Horn) plans to address supporters in the coming days and is demanding an FBI investigation into the president’s unconstitutional use of communications. “I want Americans to call their senators, call their representatives … send a message that this is not acceptable,” Warren told reporters. She also questioned whether the president can send text messages without congressional approval and has suggested a second special counsel investigate the matter.
On the floor of the House of Representatives, Maxine Waters (D – Impeach Trump) delivered an impassioned, if barely intelligible, speech in which she expressed concerns about unchecked presidential powers:
“How can that man, Trump, be allowed to wield unchecked presidential power that allows him to text everyone in America? I demand to know what kind of phone he has that gives him the ability to have 320 million people in his contacts. How much memory does it even take to do that? A trillion gigawatts? We must impeach 45 – and his offensively large phone!”
In addition to cell phone manufacturers, social media companies are expected to lose millions in stock value as rumors abound that Trump will, in the future, text everyone instead of tweeting. A dystopian future lies ahead, in which only Trump supporters have cell phones. This has prompted leading conservatives to suggest that all voting should, henceforth, be done via text message.
Those who have not previously understood the true meaning of Trump Derangement Syndrome have now seen it in full bloom as those who oppose the president lose their minds over the presidential alert. Of all the upheavals the Trump presidency has brought to the political and cultural landscape of America, this may prove to be the biggest yet. Perhaps, however, it will all turn out for the best if leftists opt out of all future emergency alerts.
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