An Open Letter to CNN About Their Blackmailing

After President Donald Trump tweeted a GIF (graphic interchange format) that portrayed him body-slamming CNN, the network struck back, tracking down the GIF's creator and publishing an implied threat to release his identity. The social media backlash against their actions was far worse than they could have imagined. Here, then, an open letter to CNN with an offering of enlightenment and some much-needed counsel.

Dear CNN,

Just when it seemed that nothing on Heaven or Earth could distract you from pumping out fake news, in a desperate attempt to keep the Trump-Russia conspiracy theory alive, you were ambushed. You were clotheslined - body-slammed, even – by one tweet. President Donald Trump took a break from bashing the establishment media to, well, bash the establishment media some more. How he discovered, amid the vast wasteland of stupid that is Reddit, that silly GIF image that depicted him pounding some poor sod with your logo for a face has yet to be determined. Doubtless, it was leaked to him by Russian intelligence. Surely, a Special Persecutor should be appointed from among the ranks of Hillary Clinton’s staunchest supporters. Regardless, you fell into his trap, saving him from a rapidly-developing tornado of criticism that was about to turn his Twitter tabernacle into matchwood.

So many tweeps – a lot of them, conservatives – had taken to the Twittersphere to scold and berate The Donald for his un-presidential behavior. It is worth noting, here, that, since he is the president, everything he does is, by definition, presidential – but that’s an onion we can tearfully peel some other time.

It seemed as if the once-mighty @realDonaldTrump account would finally fall, as you have, always, so dearly wished. But, noooooo! You had to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, CNN. How many yoga classes did your editors attend to learn how to put that journalistic foot so far up your collective behinds?

You could have taken the oft-mentioned high road. You could have soared above such pettiness. You could, phoenix-like, have risen from ashes of your reputation as a credible news organization. Did you? You did not. Instead, like Hillary Clinton, you went after the guy who made the video, as your consulate burned. Then, like Susan Rice, you threatened to unmask him. Like Barack Obama, you strolled into your oval office of pious media pomposity and promptly put your feet on the desk. Were there only enough time to add more paper-thin analogies to the previous administration!

You printed a thinly-veiled threat against the creator of the Trump body-slam GIF, by suggesting that you would publish his identity if he ridiculed you further. As if that wasn’t sufficiently despicable, you unleashed a gaggle of your finest fabulists out into the Twitter world to compound, in 140 characters or less, your infantile urge to lash out against the president’s infantile tweet.

For Trump, this was, truly, the GIF that keeps on giving. How could he not have foreseen the colorful spectacle of media heads exploding at the sight of it? You’ve been had, CNN. Trump Derangement Syndrome is Trump’s ultimate trump card and he played it at the right time. You, CNN, are the Alderaan to the Trump Twitter account’s Death Star. You are the Wile E. Coyote to his Roadrunner. You are the General Custer to his Sitting Bull, and Twitter is your Little Bighorn. Shall we add Napoleon at Waterloo? But I digress.

Although you will never admit as much, you have always hoped and prayed for the demise of the president’s Twitter; for it is the way in which he both circumvents and belittles your filter between the White House and the people. His twitter account removed some of your power and control and oh how that infuriates you.

The president, however, has pinned you at your own one-yard line and, now, he comes away with a safety. You confidently drove up to the gates of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue but, as you confidently exited your white van, you pressed that little, red button, detonating your explosive vest.

I could continue ad infinitum.

But, no; I shall leave you, oh Cable Noise Network, with one, final piece of advice. For the love of all the Saints in Christendom, have every one of your journalists delete their accounts.

And by the way, no need to threaten to reveal my identity; it's right there at the top.

In closing, let's watch the video that started it all, one more time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHvLtn2BhOk&feature=youtu.be