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Lectures From Hell: Demonic Ventriloquism

An introduction to the sublime art of temptation, inspired by The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis.

Editor’s Note: Recently, Liberty Nation received extraordinary documents from DiaboLeaks containing lectures straight out of hell. They provide unique insight into the inner workings and machinations of devils in infiltrating and corrupting the minds of humans. Each week, we will post a different Lecture from Hell. The demonic influence revealed is shocking. This short parody was inspired by the wonderful work of C.S. Lewis in his entertaining and enlightening epistolary novel, The Screwtape Letters, written in 1942. 

My dear gentledevils,

It is an honor to welcome all you freshdemons to Vile University’s introductory course in Demonic Ventriloquism. I am Professor Thornside, and I am in a particularly celebratory mood today. We just received news that Vile ranks at the top spot of the Evil League this year, beating top institutions such as Graveyard and Pain.

As you all know, you have been carefully selected for this elite university because your trainers tell us that you were exceptionally talented patients during your time as humans. If you play your cards right and continue your excellent work here in the spiritual realm, I am sure you will soon have an opportunity to meet our Father Below in the flesh, so to speak. (I apologize in advance for my dry humor. Hell does that to you after a while.)

I am so excited to start our lectures on Demonic Ventriloquism, the sublime art of temptation. Don’t for a second think that your powers are impotent just because you cannot affect the material world directly. On the contrary, in humans, the spirit is the animating force of all actions. Therefore, your sweet, luscious whisper into your patient’s mind can change history!

Talented as you may be, my dear gentledevils, you are still but junior demons – fresh out of the grave. You have much to learn. But fear not: I have structured the course in such a way that you will be able to do practical fieldwork during the first semester.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of capable trainers such as Mephistopheles, Dimplick, Scambug, and countless others, we have created a playground for the dark arts, a place where souls can be turned and picked like candy from a little child: the human university.

You will immediately find yourself at home there. The sweet stench of Hell permeates the place; it’s now so infested with darkness that we allow even our freshdemons to train the students!

Oh, just some practical information: You may have noticed the awful, burning light from above. It emanates from the Enemy in Heaven, the one who created the universe. It is pervasive and everlasting, I’m afraid. The good news is that as you sink further into the pits of Hell, the darker your existence will become. That should give you some incentives to study hard.

The Prime Directive

The number one rule for a successful tempter is to make sure that the patient never for a second suspects that his ideas are anything but his own. He must always believe that his inner voice is sincere and innocent.

This is much harder than you might think. The Enemy sends His angels to warn and guard against our influence. During His brief appearance on Earth – that tacky stunt with the cross – He taught the humans how to become aware of our existence.

He talked about seeing the beam in one’s own eye rather than the speck in another’s. He taught them that he who is without sin shall cast the first stone. Conscience, they call it. What a ghastly concept!

That was a significant setback for Our Father Below. You have no idea how many souls the Enemy has secured in Heaven with that trick. However, our best and darkest minds have been working incessantly to find solutions. I am happy to say that they have made progress.

The Born Good Myth

A real breakthrough came with the human philosopher Rousseau. He wasn’t even on our radar, as he was more of a dilettante than truly wicked. Yet he was able to convince many of their thinkers that humans are born good!

That’s right. The fool threw out Original Sin and concocted the idea that one should blindly listen to one’s “heart” as a pure and unadulterated source of good. Can you believe it? Those who are foolish enough to swallow this nonsense – and they have been many – throw out the most critical defense against our demonic ventriloquism. It leaves the patient like a sitting duck for a talented demon. If he already believes that anything that pops into his mind comes from “a good place,” half your work is already done.

Don’t get cocky, though! Their natural defenses may be down, but you still must compete with those pesky angels. You, therefore, need to handle your patients with care and, dare I say, patience. That will do it for this lesson. Next time, we will deconstruct one of the most disgusting concepts ever to have come from the Enemy: Truth.

Until next time,

Professor Thornside

~

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