web analytics

Joe Biden’s Easter Address – Or What It Might Look Like

Making little sense and full of half-truths and bizarre claims, this might have been Joe Biden’s Easter Address – or it could be just satire.

by | Apr 4, 2021 | Articles, Satire

My fellow Armenians,

It’s been a tough year for us all. We had to deal with a pandemic that took almost 75 thousand billion lives, foreign wars, and an economic crisis. But here’s the deal: All those problems that were caused by the previous administration, I’m working hard to fix. But, this weekend, I’m grateful for the support of my wife, Dr. Jill Biden, and my son, Hunter, who is a model citizen. All Americans should take time this Thanksgiving weekend to enjoy time with their families on … on the Skype or the Instantgram, of course, because it’s still just too risky to visit them. We should all take time to be grateful for the fact that we survived these last terrible four years.

But, here’s the deal, folks – and I said this just yesterday to my wife, Dr. Jill Biden, Esq., as I was wrapping presents. I said … I said … well, it doesn’t matter what I said. But it’s important. We should remember. Masks save lives. They save lives. Wear a mask. Get vaccinated, now that my administration has created a vaccine. Anyway.

Folks, when you celebrate this Memorial Day weekend, remember what it’s about. Remember. It’s the day that Christ raised the Easter Bunny from the dead. Then he was crucified on the … the … you know, the thing. Think about that. Think about it. That’s what affordable health care looks like, folks. And Republicans are going to tell me we can’t afford it? C’mon, man!

You know, my wife, Dr. Jill Biden, Ph.D., said to me – she said … well, she said something that really made me think. And we’ve all got to think, folks. We’ve got to come together — not as Democrats or Republicans but as Americans. And we’ve got to think. Because if you don’t think, then you don’t know. And if you don’t know, then you don’t know what you don’t know – and you can’t think about it. Think about that!

Together, we can build a better future. My administration has already made some big changes. Look at the southern border: Under my predecessor, it was deserted. There was no one there. Nobody wanted to be there. But in just a couple of months, we’ve turned it into a thriving community. Tens of thousands of people now want to go to the border. That’s progress, folks. That’s progress. I know some of you folks in the media said I couldn’t do it. C’mon, man! We did it!

There’s something else to celebrate this President’s Day weekend: America is back. We’ve taken our rightful place on the global stage again. We’re giving out enormous sums of money again. We’ve rejoined important international treaties, so that we can fund them. We’ve re-established trade with our partners, so that they can take advantage of everything the United States has to offer – and so that we can get affordable products in return, so Americans don’t have to make anything anymore.

We’re beating the virus – but wear a mask, folks. Crime is down, wages are up, unemployment is down. And we’ve created a whole new, multimillion-dollar industry. People are now getting paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to head up organizations and government agencies that fight racial inequality. Think about it. These are good-paying jobs. And money is pouring in to fight racism, because that’s how much we care. And we’re going to be fighting racism and white supremacy for years to come because a lot of people are making good money doing it.

Folks, think of all the families that will have better lives because of how much money mom or dad is earning, fighting for racial justice. Think about it. You know – and here’s the deal, folks – Dame Jill Biden, M.A., said that to me just yesterday.

So, we’re getting the country back on track. I’m going to be taking some of your questions – not now, but I’m going to be taking your questions. But, now, on behalf of President Harris and myself and Professor Jill Biden, NPR, B.S., MSNBC, I want to wish you all a happy New Year. Thank you.


Read more from Graham J. Noble.

Read More From Graham J Noble

Latest Posts

Mayorkas Goes Down – Uprising

If Republicans' failure to impeach Mayorkas was an "embarrassment," – why wasn't his then-successful impeachment...

Latest Posts

Mayorkas Goes Down – Uprising

If Republicans' failure to impeach Mayorkas was an "embarrassment," – why wasn't his then-successful impeachment...