Does America have a gun-violence epidemic? You bet your sweet a** it does, and it is getting worse by the day. Unpublished statistics show that if sensible gun-control laws are not enacted within a year, every man, woman, and child in this country will be killed by a gun. Presumably, the very last American will shoot his or herself, assuming he or she still uses gender-specific pronouns.
Consider the following statistic: Every year, guns kill more Americans than lightning strikes, venomous snakes, falling refrigerators, wood chippers, flying golf clubs, and Trump’s tax cuts combined. If that’s not enough to convince you, think about this: If every gun in America killed just one person within the next 12 months, there would be no one left to vote in the next election, which is exactly what the gun lobby and pro-gun Republicans want, of course.
Guns Are Everywhere, All the Time
So, just how dangerous, deranged, despicable, and diabolical is the gun culture in today’s America? This humble correspondent – who does not own a gun, nor has at any time owned a gun, Scout’s honor – decided to find out. Having previously been duped into believing that few Americans have guns, I dug deeper, only to discover that millions of unhinged and hate-filled so-called patriots not only possess firearms but worship them, dream about them, and even believe they have a God-given right to carry them in public.
Yes, you read that right: There are people in our midst – every minute of every day – who carry with them a weapon of mass destruction. Even more sinister is the fact that these weapons are as easy to buy as candy bars.
Your Kids Have Guns
During the course of my investigation into the dark and seedy underbelly of the gun world, I visited more than two high schools. I remember those visits well. What struck me was the eery silence. As I explored the school grounds, sweating in the early August humidity, I couldn’t help but wonder why these facilities were deserted. Then it struck me … It was chillingly obvious: The students had chased off their teachers and staff and then gone into town to purchase guns.
If you are a parent, think about that. Is your 16-year-old daughter really in school or is she at the local gun store, picking herself out a shiny, new .50 caliber AR-17 with a 300-round clip, flamethrower attachment, and automatic grenade-launcher? It takes just 10 minutes to complete such a purchase – less than that if the store has a “10 items or less” express checkout. She may be on her way home to kill you and blow up your house as you are reading this article. You can blame the NRA for that.
The Demonic NRA
Speaking of the NRA, it is a closely guarded secret that the organization begins each of its conventions with a demonic ritual that may or may not include human sacrifice. What the public doesn’t see is the 15-foot, golden carving of an AR-15 that is brought into a back room under cover of darkness. Before the event, the organization’s top officials, clad in white robes, dance around this carving while reciting the Second Amendment in Sumerian. This may seem like a wild claim, but, according to sources, Snopes rates it as TRUE.
How do we rid the country of this scourge? Quite simply, by introducing a federal red-flag law that forbids the possession of firearms by anyone classed as either mentally unstable, a terrorist, or a white supremacist. This, of course, would include all serving military personnel, all military veterans, all white people, all Christians, and all conservatives.
If you think I’m joking about such a law, dear reader, simply wait for the next time the Democrats control the House, the Senate and the White House all at the same time – or maybe until Republicans lose the will to resist.