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Trump Sneezes – Democrats Plan to Investigate

by | Nov 14, 2018 | Articles, Satire

When Democrats hit the campaign trail in 2020,  one thing they will be able to assure the American voter: Everything President Donald Trump has ever done or said, and everyone with whom he has ever spoken, has been – or will be – investigated. Despite their zeal, however, anonymous sources say top Democrats balked at a demand from New York representative-elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez that famed detective Sherlock Holmes be appointed special counsel to lead the investigative efforts. Apparently, her letter to Robert Downey Jr. has gone unanswered. [perfectpullquote align=”right” bordertop=”false” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=”24″]…Trump further confounds the Democrats by taking the whole president of the United States thing seriously.[/perfectpullquote]

The tactic of using a fraudulent investigation to delegitimize the result of a presidential election is nothing new, of course. Democrats would argue that the practice began during the Clinton presidency, but in 2016 the Democratic Party, then run by Hillary Clinton, came up with the ultimate plan: begin investigations before the opponent is elected.

Nothing to Do But Investigate

Having set up their allies in the Department of Justice and Federal Bureau of Investigation with a marvelously imaginative phony conspiracy, Clinton’s party merely had to bide its time until Trump was framed for working with the Russians to steal Hillary’s rightful place in the Oval Office. It is bad enough that this strategy so far has come to nothing, but Trump further confounds the Democrats by taking the whole president of the United States thing seriously, creating the conditions for unprecedented economic growth and re-establishing respect for America on the world stage.

On the eve of resuming control of the House of Representatives, Democrats find themselves with nothing much to do. The party leaders appear on television and talk about improving the lives of ordinary people, but they may as well be promising to put a stop to Viking raiding parties. That long boat has already sailed. Things aren’t perfect, by any means, but Americans are doing a lot better now than they were when the Democrats last ran Congress, thank you very much.

With nothing positive to contribute and facing the prospect of going into the 2020 elections against a backdrop of surging prosperity and optimism, the party knows that it has just one card to play that might bring the Make America Great Again agenda crashing down: inquisition. While nobody expected the Spanish Inquisition, this one is a sure thing. Indeed, those Democrats who are poised to take over House committee chairs have acknowledged their intentions. There is – to put it in simple terms – nothing they will not investigate.

Midterm Results Lead to Complete Farce

Apart from the obvious – the continuation of Russian collusion and obstruction of justice probes – Democrats have lined up dozens more potential areas of investigation, as confirmed by New York Democrat Nita Lowey, who will take the lead on the House Appropriations Committee.

Adam Schiff (D-CA), who has yet to provide the conclusive evidence of Trump’s collusion with the Russians that he claims to have seen almost two years ago, also wants in on the action. He plans to investigate why the president is so mean to The Washington Post.

According to sources familiar with Trump Derangement Syndrome, there are plans afoot to force the president to submit a DNA sample, so that his ancestors – stretching back to the beginning of recorded history – can also be investigated for criminal behavior and offensive remarks.

Those who cast their votes for Democrats on Nov. 6 can be proud of the fact that they elected inquisitors and not legislators. The nation is about to endure two years of the least-productive Congress in American history, and Donald Trump will embark upon his presidential re-election campaign as the most investigated – and the most persecuted – president in history. Conservatives who did not vote in the recent midterms, along with libertarians who wasted their votes on Libertarian candidates, are equally as complicit in this farce. Good job all around!

Read More From Graham J Noble

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