[Editor’s note: Any names or likeness to any real person mentioned in this satirical article are purely or mostly unintentional. No health care experts were harmed during the writing of this article – though feelings and egos may be subject to bruising if read by humorless leftists.]
The CDC, otherwise known as the Centers for Disinformation Control and Confusion, has just about had it with the inability of reporters, politicians, and ordinary Americans to understand and comply with the unambiguous guidelines it has laid out for dealing with the COVID-19 pandemic. “I have just about had it,” exclaimed the CDC director, Dr. Rochelle Walensky, before donning three masks and hurrying away to get a booster shot on July 31.
Perhaps even more dangerous than the Delta variant of everybody’s favorite virus is the pandemic of bewilderment sweeping the nation. Some jurisdictions reinstate mask mandates, and others are imposing vaccination or regular COVID testing requirements for everybody – or if not everybody, then for some. Sadly, few people know whether they live in one of these places or not.
To clarify the situation once and for all, the underworked and overpaid bureaucrats at the CDC have produced a new handbook with 184 simple rules that, it is hoped, will get everybody on the same page.
Some 350 million copies of the book, illustrated by Hunter Biden and with a foreword by LeBron James, will be distributed free of charge across the nation. The CDC is confident that this will help every American understand what they should and should not do to keep themselves and their communities safe.
The 184 rules cover every possible scenario, and in the interest of informing its readers, Liberty Nation highlights some of the essential points here.
Fully vaccinated people should remain at home on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Those who are not vaccinated are required to stay inside on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Americans who have received only the first shot of the COVID-19 vaccine should quarantine at home on Sundays, although they can go outside on Wednesdays and Thursdays if they wear a mask. Conversely, some people who have received the second vaccine shot but not the first should isolate themselves on Tuesdays and Saturdays and are advised not to wear masks unless traveling in a vehicle at more than 50 miles per hour.
Americans who have not been vaccinated and choose not to wear masks can go outside on any day between 2 AM And 4 AM or between 7 PM And 9 PM, but not both unless local ordinances permit them to do otherwise. People who are fully vaccinated but who do not wear masks should not go to bars, restaurants, gyms, sporting events, or music festivals but may attend concerts that are held in sports stadiums where food is also being served.
Those who wear masks but are unvaccinated are permitted to attend the venues mentioned above, provided they remain seated and motionless the entire time they are there.
Asked during a press conference whether he was confident that the new guidelines would bring an end to the confusion, a visibly exasperated Joe Biden snapped, “Do you think I’m playing tennis with an empty shoe? C’mon, man” and then licked at some chin-food he had been carrying with him since breakfast.
A leaked internal Biden administration memo suggests the whole pandemic thing was probably a stupid idea to begin with. It advises such health crises should not in the future be handled so dramatically – at least not until Republicans regain control of the White House.
Read more from Graham J. Noble.