Editor’s note: At Liberty Nation, we believe that sometimes a slice of satire or a pinch of parody can brighten even the gravest and most solemn of political stories In that spirit, we offer the following to tickle your funny-bone.
Michael Bloomberg may have just saved the Democratic Party, but probably not. Until Sunday, November 24, Democrats had been struggling to come to terms with two glaring weaknesses in their field of candidates to take on President Donald Trump in 2020: Firstly, that they simply had too few who were willing to challenge Hillary Clinton’s record for the number of reasons why she lost a presidential election and, thirdly, that there were not enough old, wealthy, white men in the running.
The 77-year-old gazillionaire former New York mayor – who thinks the government has the right to tell people whether or not they can have carbonated drinks – is literally attempting to buy the Democratic Party nomination. Having already pledged to spend $100 million on anti-Trump ads, Bloomberg will pour tens of millions more into his run, starting with a $37 million television ad campaign that will, in the coming two weeks, assault innocent voters across several key states.
Get Off My Lawn, Bloomberg!
Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) has a lot more money – and homes – than any self-respecting socialist should have, but at least he has actually campaigned. Bloomberg, on the other hand, is pouring vast amounts of cash into his bid so that he doesn’t have to physically interact with ordinary, poor Americans.
In a statement, Sanders said he was “disgusted by the idea that Michael Bloomberg or any other billionaire thinks they can circumvent the political process and spend tens of millions of dollars to buy our elections.” After yelling at some kids to get off his lawn, the old codger went on to add: “I know I’m basically buying votes by promising free stuff to people, which I will pay for by taxing everyone else to death, but that’s different.” Sanders did not say any of that last bit, but perhaps he should have.
Sunday’s announcement makes the Bloomberg campaign official, though it was widely anticipated: On Thursday, November 21, Bloomberg filed with the Federal Election Commission and, the following day, registered for the Alabama Democratic primary. Immediately afterward, he attended a briefing where advisors explained to him where Alabama is located on the map.
Other than attempting to turn the city of New York into a totalitarian police state, Bloomberg is perhaps most famous for changing his views and opinions on any subject more often than a Victoria’s Secret model changes underwear. Having run for mayor as a Republican, Bloomberg later became an Independent and then a Democrat. On Tuesday, March 5, he announced that he had decided not to run for president.
Possibly the least likable person even among the crowded Democrat field, Bloomberg has taken to referring to himself as “Mike,” so that’s nice. “I’m running for president to defeat Donald Trump and rebuild America,” he said in a statement. “We cannot afford four more years of President Trump’s reckless and unethical actions. He represents an existential threat to our country and our values. If he wins another term in office, we may never recover from the damage.” Literally saying Trump is threatening America’s very existence. This is a mark of how seriously Bloomberg’s candidacy should be taken.
Interestingly, Bloomberg’s expected entrance had been touted by some as a sign that the Democratic Party’s primary race has shifted away from the extreme left and that more moderate candidates have the momentum. Bloomberg is no moderate, though: At best, he could be described as being only moderately extreme, as opposed to extremely extreme like Sanders and Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA).
At this point, nobody remembers how many Democrats are still running for their party’s nomination but – with Bloomberg now in the mix – their combined net worth must be somewhere in the region of $54 billion. These are the people who constantly lecture America about the greed and immorality of the wealthy.
Read more from Graham J Noble