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Turkeys in the Swamp

Help us round up the flock of wildfowl running loose in the D.C. sludge.

It’s Turkey Day, and that means it’s time to round up all the wild birds roaming around the Swamp. Grab your gloves and a sturdy pair of boots; it’s going to get rough out there. This year, the D.C. fowl are in abundance, pecking and gobbling their way through the chicken coops, looking for any little scrap they can use for fodder. As we weave our way through the mighty mass of feathered flock, shooing the young chicks aside while the more experienced birds suffer from delusions of grandeur, a few toms and hens stand out.

While we sit around the dinner table with family and friends, giving our thanks and stuffing our bellies, let’s take a moment to recognize the biggest turkeys in the Swamp.

Biggest Turkeys in the Swamp

Adam Schiff

Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA)

One tom, who might be suffering from an identity crisis as he struts away on Capitol Hill like a peacock, is Adam Schiff. He gets the biggest turkey award because of his relentless determination to oversee the impeachment hearings, sitting on his perch stuffed full of self-importance and ruling the hen house with his mighty gavel. Unfortunately for this bird, even his schiff-ty, bug-eyed glare could not cower the witnesses into providing the testimony he sought.

Speaking of witnesses, how about that “whistleblower” who admitted he did not actually hear the phone conversation between Trump and the Ukrainian president? As proof goes, it’s about as wavering as Schiff’s snood (the fleshy skin under a turkey’s beak).

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY)

As we move over to the hen house, it’s easy to see AOC has set herself up as queen of the turkey squad. Memes were invented for this woman; there’s just too much good material that she, herself, provides. The darling Democrat sees corruption and fowl play everywhere, and all brought about by the master chef himself, Donald Trump.

Babies in cages? Trump did that, and he put them into concentration camps, too. In fact, according to Ocasio-Cortez, illegal immigrants were forced to drink out of toilets. Never mind that the detention centers were in use long before this president took office. Truth defies this lady of Congress.

Gobbling up everything she can misconstrue, AOC seeks to improve the world with a $15 minimum wage that has already ended up hurting her very own constituents, and by cleaning up the environment with the astronomically expensive Green New Deal.

Elizabeth Warren


Speaking of identity crises, this hen can’t decide if she’s Native American, a politician, or a woman fired from a job for becoming pregnant. Unable to decide who she is, perhaps that is why Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) is such an avid supporter of the LGBTQ cause and having the government pay for reassignment surgeries.

Medicare for All, a nifty idea to provide free or low-cost health care, is one of her biggest platforms. There’s just one problem. Where will the money come from to pay for it? Warren is also an advocate of opening the chicken coops to let in any and all turkeys and wolves from faraway lands. Open borders is another one of her call to arms.

Joe Biden

Joe Biden

This tom knows his way around the Swamp. He is forever helping and assisting, many times sheltering little chicks, wrapping his feathered wing around their shoulders while giving them a little peck on the cheek to demonstrate his Uncle Joe persona.

The 2020 presidential race is in full bloom, and Biden’s bid for the White House started strong as he relied on his past position of vice president to Barack Obama to get him through the coveted gates. But, springing out of the coop with ruffled feathers and a beak full of promises, Warren is poised to overtake the lead. Only time will tell how this tale of turkeys will turn out.


Read more from Kelli Ballard.

Read More From Kelli Ballard

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