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Lampoon: New Leftist Legislation Mirrors Gun Control Laws

There is a crisis right now in the United States.  A certain manufactured item is killing Americans by the thousands.  In 2016, deaths caused by these objects topped 40,000, and the damage that these metal death traps caused topped $432 billion, according to the National Safety Council.  Most crucially, these evil contraptions killed over 1,000 children under the age of fifteen in 2014, and are the leading cause of death among citizens aged 15-24, according to the CDC.

For too long our politicians have done nothing to address the scourge brought on by these relics of a different age.  The time for common sense reform is now.  Sensible laws to reduce the damage wrought by these killing machines should be something every politician can get behind, regardless of party.  We must come together and do something as a nation to address the menace of — you guessed it — motor vehicles.

The fight to end car violence starts with strong legislation.  Thankfully, the template for common sense gun control is already in place thanks to the mighty fine lawmakers in places such as New York, Connecticut, Maryland, and California.  Those laws serve as an inspiration for the following bill, available to any Congressperson who cares enough about our children to bring this to Capitol Hill.  We must apply the American principles of regulation, restriction, and blame to combat the plague of motor vehicle violence. Might we humbly suggest the following vital piece of legislation:

THE CAR CONTROL ACT OF 2017

(1) Cars are central to our national heritage, but technology has changed over the years and today’s cars are simply too powerful and dangerous.  Specifically, cars built for speed or racing can go faster than any other vehicle.  Because of this, they are probably responsible for the vast majority of deaths, so they should be banned in toto.  They are also frightening to other drivers on the road and intimidating to police, who are often outmatched in their standard issue vehicles.  The following race cars are hereby made illegal to sell in the United States:

  • Audi R8, BMW Z4, Chevrolet Corvette, Jaguar F-Type, Mazda MX-5 Miata, Mercedes-Benz SL550, Mercedes-Benz SL65 AMG, Nissan 370Z, Porsche Boxster

Additionally, any vehicle which possesses any three of the following features will be considered a race car and will also be illegal to own or operate:

  • A spoiler
  • A hood scoop
  • Seating for only two occupants
  • A dual exhaust system
  • A turbocharger or supercharger
  • A manual transmission
  • A red paint job

(2) Powerful engines are unnecessary in smaller vehicles and motorcycles, so the following limits will now apply to newly manufactured vehicles:

  • 4-wheeled vehicles under 3,000 lbs. will be limited to engines with 200 HP or less
  • 2-wheeled vehicles will be limited to engines size of 499cc or less.

(3)  All new vehicles must have a factory installed governor limiting speed to 85 mph.  There is no reason any law-abiding citizen should have access to this level of speed.  Exceptions will be made for police vehicles and vehicles belonging to the political class.

(4) Large gas tanks encourage extended escapes from the police so that all gas tanks will be limited to a maximum of twelve gallons in every new vehicle.  Older cars must install an air bladder in their tanks to limit the capacity to twelve gallons, or face a misdemeanor charge.

(5) The licensing and education requirements for a sparsely populated state like Wyoming do not make sense in a populous state such as California.  Henceforth, a driver’s license from any state will no longer be valid outside of the state of issuance.  State governments may agree to honor the license of another state, but they may pick and choose which ones and are under no obligation to recognize any other state.  Driving in another state without the proper state license will now be a felony.  These rules will not apply to members of the law enforcement community or the federal government, even when traveling off duty. Again, the political class is exempt from Rule 5 as stated herein.

(6)  In an effort to close the car show loophole, individuals may no longer buy and sell motor vehicles directly to one another without first mailing a form to the Department of Transportation and also conduct a valid license check with the appropriate state authority.  This includes transfers between family members.  Anyone who buys or sells frequently enough to be considered a professional car seller must register with the federal government as a car dealer.  The threshold for this status will be at the discretion of the judge enforcing this statute. The 9th Circuit will have lead authority in these cases.

(7)  There will now be a mandatory ten-day waiting period to purchase a new or used vehicle at any dealership.

(8)  Victims of motor vehicle violence will now be permitted to sue the manufacturer of the vehicle for damages resulting from illegal use of their product.  Additionally, victims and their families may also sue the car dealership that initially sold the vehicle.

Anyone opposing this legislation will be labeled, scoffed at and demeaned. We simply must protect Americans from these weapons of mass destruction. This is our primary purpose as lawmakers in Washington, DC. The time has come to end public use of these violent weapons. We urge you to vote YES on this crucial, life-saving bill or we will organize protests at your district town halls and march in the streets.

Read More From Dan Ingram

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