A New York Times Parody
Editor’s Note: In light of the New York Times report that President Trump “considered” firing the Special Counsel last summer according to anonymous sources, Liberty Nation determined to write an article of equal value, truth, and importance. What follows is largely a word-for-word reprint of the Time’s story presented in classic parody form. But in this age of shoddy journalism and media fakery, it might well be tomorrow’s top story.
WASHINGTON – President Trump ordered his longtime personal hair stylist to try a new cut on his famous mane last June, but ultimately backed down after the Presidential Barber threatened to resign rather than carry out the directive.
This West Wing confrontation marks the first time Mr. Trump is known to have tried to change his hairstyle in more than a decade. It is only now coming to light based on the recollections of four White House sources that requested anonymity.
According to two of those four anonymous sources, Mr. Trump first had the idea following a possible obstruction of eyesight concern when the wind blew during an outdoor rally in Pittsburgh. Back on Air Force One following the rally, the president expressed three possible benefits regarding the new hairstyle, said the two sources.
First, he claimed that the new haircut might indeed work in his favor while on the links. The President is known to stop by his own club – Trump National Golf Club in Sterling, VA from time to time. Sources say he is most easily spotted on the fairway by his famous hair. The new cut could perhaps increase the president’s anonymity while golfing. A point in its favor, according to our sources.
Next, Trump pointed out that Melania had been suggesting the new haircut for years and this would please her a great deal. And finally, the president pointed out that he was tired of having longer hair than his sons and that it was time for a change.
After receiving the president’s order to change his hairstyle, Presidential Barber F. Donald “Tug” McGraw IV, refused and then asked the Justice Department to intervene on his behalf. McGraw disagreed with the president’s reasoning and told senior White House officials that the president planned to “can” him as a result of his refusal to comply with a presidential order. This, according to sources in the West Wing who spoke on the condition of anonymity because they did not want to be identified discussing a continuing investigation.
McGraw maintained that the president’s request “would have a catastrophic effect on Mr. Trump’s presidency.” Instead, he threatened to quit until or unless the president backed off.
When asked about this latest hair dust-up in Davos, Switzerland today, Mr. Trump said, “Fake News, folks, Fake news. A typical New York Times fake story.”
Ty Cobb, who manages the White House’s relationship with Mr. McGraw’s office and has known him for a long time, said, “We decline to comment out of respect for the Office of the Presidential Barber.”
Nonetheless, sources say Mr. Trump continued to waver for months about whether he wants to follow through with the haircut and fire McGraw. The White House has denied nearly a dozen times since June that Mr. Trump was considering firing Mr. McGraw. The president’s lawyers, including Mr. Cobb, have tried to keep Mr. Trump calm by assuring him for months, amid new revelations about the inquiry, that it is close to ending.
In defending his explosively controversial decision, the president reportedly said he wants to “make his big, beautiful hair great again.” Nevertheless, McGraw maintains to this day that the Russians are behind the presidential requested hairstyle change, noting that Putin is considered a “hunk” in Russia while sporting a stark pate, but Mr. Trump continues to deny any collusion.