The Green New Deal Breaker?

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Brace yourself for some bad news, dear reader. We are all going to die, and it’s all because of one Republican from Kentucky.

Thanks to Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) – and the rest of the Senate – humanity is now doomed to extinction within 12 years, condemned to being melted into puddles of fleshy goop by the sun. Why? Because of climate change and stuff. In a recent vote, the Senate overwhelmingly rejected the Green New Deal, which was a proposal championed by Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) and the Anti-Semitism Twins, also known as Reps. Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) and Ilhan Omar (D-MN).

If the resolution were made into law, it would undoubtedly save the planet from utter destruction at the hands of fossil fuel-burning humans who are probably closet Nazis, but unfortunately, the nation’s lawmakers don’t care if we all perish screaming in a gigantic ball of flame.

Senate Dooms Us All

The Green New Deal was struck down by at 0-57 vote with 43 Democratic senators voting “present” because voting “no” would result in a sound drubbing on Twitter at the fingers of Ocasio-Cortez. Several prominent progressives slammed Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell for holding the vote before having any hearings. But according to McConnell’s office, he could not hold any hearings on the Green New Deal because members of the Senate couldn’t stop laughing long enough to actually debate.

The proposal, which would attempt to make air travel obsolete, retrofit every building in America, and bring about the widespread savage slaughter of innocent farting cows, was supported by several Democratic presidential contenders, including Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-MA), who is known for formulating her political views by holding her finger in the air to see which way the wind blows. Shortly before the vote was held, she said: “We don’t know if we can get to net-zero carbon emissions in 10 years, but why not try?”

When questioned about Gillibrand’s suggestion, McConnell gave an uncharacteristically sage response: “Senator Gillibrand should remember that according to the teachings of Master Yoda, we must ‘do or do not, there is no try.’ In this case, we’re going to ‘do not.’”

After the Green New Deal died from choking on sheer absurdity, Rep. Ocasio-Cortez was overheard rehearsing her script for media appearances after the vote. We do not know exactly what she was saying due to being distracted by paint drying on the wall, but the terms “racist,” “sexist” and “Islamophobic” were definitely present because of course they were. Ilhan Omar is also expected to hold a press conference during which she will explain how those who voted against the proposal were commanded to do so by Israeli agents who want everyone to be immolated alive by climate change.

What’s Next?

Despite their failure to get their Green New Deal passed, the ultra-progressive wing of the Democratic Party is unlikely to give up on their quest to use the climate change issue to usher in a revolutionary wave of socialist programs. Even The New York Times erroneously claimed that the American public favors the Green New Deal. The author of the piece, who is a founder of a think tank named Data for Progress, assures us that we can believe him because, “though Data for Progress is a liberal organization that is supportive of the Green New Deal, we don’t let that cloud our polling.”

No, really, that’s what he said. There’s no satire in that sentence! Doesn’t that make you feel the warm glow of blind trust?

Unfortunately for them, there are other studies showing the exact opposite: Americans think the Green New Deal is a complete dumpster fire sitting in a pile of horse manure. Perhaps the American public isn’t quite ready for the socialist agenda that AOC and the gang are attempting to promote even if it means that fossil fuel fumes will asphyxiate all of us in our sleep. Or maybe nobody is actually buying into the alarmism. My money’s on the latter.