What does the world’s most evil man think about when he wakes up in the morning on Christmas Eve? The answer, of course, is obvious; he thinks about singling out a random seven-year-old girl – because misogyny and because he hates kids – and completely crushing her soul by questioning the one thing that makes Christmas special for little children.
There are certain things in life that should never be questioned, despite a complete lack of empirical evidence supporting their very existence. Among those things are Russian collusion, the economic viability of socialism, the effectiveness of gun-control laws and, of course, anthropomorphic climate change. More sinister than all of these things, though, would be to cast doubt upon the existence of Santa Claus. Who else but President Donald Trump would plant such a question in the fragile mind of a sweet, little girl?
T’was the Night Before Christmas …
Every year on Christmas Eve, billions and billions of children call the Santa-tracking hotline, operated by The North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) to find out what time the jolly fat man will be dropping off the stuff their parents ordered from Amazon. This year, a select few of those children found themselves patched through to the White House so that Donald Trump and his ice queen, Melania, could make them miserable.
One such child, Collman Lloyd of South Carolina, found herself on the phone with the president. Lulling the girl into a false sense of security, Trump asked her how school was going, what plans she had for Christmas and how old she was.
Then: Wham! Little Collman finds herself on the edge of the universal abyss, staring down into the infinite, black pit of nothingness and despair. “Are you still a believer in Santa?” Trump asked her, stroking the white cat on his lap with one black leather gloved hand.
“Yes, sir,” Collman Replied. The president was not satisfied, however. This child’s blind faith and wonderous anticipation could not go unblemished.
“Because at seven, that’s marginal, right?” the president suggested. He then went on to wish her a happy Christmas and told her to say hello to her family for him. The damage was done, though. Collman’s life will never be the same.
“I was like, ‘wow.’ I was shocked,” she told a local newspaper, The Post and Courier. “It wasn’t really (nerve-wracking), I just had to think of what the truth was.” Thinking about the president’s own children, Lloyd also told the paper: “Most people know this question. I would like to ask if he has any kids. I’ve honestly never heard of them or seen any of them so I was wondering.”
O Come On! … All Ye Faithful
The story of this brief phone conversation has sparked a wave of hysteria – perhaps, even, a constitutional crisis. Some are asking if the president has the authority to question the existence of Santa Claus. What does the Santa clause of the Constitution say? Leading Democrats have suggested that an investigation is warranted. The president, they say, may have obstructed justice by posing such questions.
As for Collman herself, she appears capable of verbally expressing herself in a manner that suggests she is, indeed, at a point in her life where Santa’s existence is worthy of speculation. As she, herself, pointed out: “I just had to think of what the truth was.” Clearly, then, her own belief in Santa is marginal and the president may have actually given her comfort in the knowledge that she is not a terrible person for harboring the nagging suspicion that her family members are, in fact, purchasing her Christmas gifts.
Ironically, Trump’s exchange with Lloyd is being framed as Grinchian and cold-hearted by the very people who have spent years trying to suck the joy out of the festive season. One would have thought that those who try so hard to eliminate the very use of the word “Christmas” would applaud the president for gifting this girl a reason to question the Santa Claus tradition. How does one scoff at the existence of God but berate the president for doubting the existence of a north-pole-dweller of enormous girth who manages to climb down every chimney in the world in one night?
If the existence of anything remains truly doubtful, it is the ability of progressives to process logic and reason.