In a spectacular act of racial sensitivity, coffee chain Starbucks has decided to begin serving free “reparations coffee” to its black customers. No doubt this action is a response to the nasty backlash it received because of the recent incident in which two black men were arrested at a Starbucks in Philadelphia for loitering.
According to the coffee chain, the decision was made as a way to say “I’m sorry” to every single member of the black community that has been victimized by Starbucks’ universally racist policies. In a statement released by the company, they said:
“OMG, we are so sorry. We totally messed up. We thought we were ‘woke,” but we obviously have a lot of work to do. Our white privilege prevented us from seeing how bigoted we really are. Black people, have some free coffee. No really, have some, it’s all our fault, and we want you to forgive us.”
The company also stated that they are forbidding their employees to add cream and sugar to their own coffee while working their shifts. “We feel that our partners need to understand the plight of blacks in America, and there is no better way to do that than drinking black coffee,” a Starbucks’ representative stated. Failure to abide by this policy can result in an employee’s immediate imprisonment in the company’s cultural sensitivity re-education camp.
This new policy was adopted as the result of a suggestion from Jamil Carter, an activist and racial sensitivity consultant working with the company. “Cream and sugar represent the tyranny of the white supremacist power structure in America,” he said. “They symbolize the history of racial oppression that has destroyed so many black lives. If you take cream and sugar in your coffee, you’re nothing but a racist who wants to send black people back to Africa.”
It appears that white customers have also jumped on this trend. Sally Masterson, a customer of the coffee chain, told Liberty Nation “I just started drinking black coffee two weeks ago, and I feel it’s helped me to understand and reject my white privilege.” When asked if she would ever take cream and sugar in the future, she was adamant in her response. “Never again will I pollute my beautiful black coffee with cream. Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Starbucks also intends to roll out new procedures to make amends for the actions of the store manager at their location in Philadelphia. Apparently, the company is exploring the idea of having staff wait on black customers who won’t have to stand in line to order their free coffee. They will provide pillows, bottles of Perrier, and other amenities to make blacks feel comfortable. The company is also considering blocking out one day of the week for black customers.
“We want Starbucks to be a safe space for people of color,” said Miles Masterson, a Senior Diversity Instructor at the company. “So we are going to prohibit whites from entering the establishment on one day of the week so that our minority customers can escape from the everyday stress of dealing with white people and their microaggressions.” He stated that it was “the least we can do.”
In a recent press conference, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson informed reporters about their future plans regarding racial tensions. He is hopeful that their future actions will help America see that the company truly is “woke.” “I think that giving blacks free coffee is a great first step,” he said. “But I really hope that we can do more for the black community. Black people, we love you. Please forgive us. Pretty please? I’m not racist, I swear!”
The CEO then got down on his knees and wept while begging for forgiveness from black America. He was then escorted from the building by men in white uniforms. It is clear that this whole fiasco has taken its toll on many officials working at Starbucks, but if their proposed reforms are any indication, the company’s future looks bright. But not bright in a sense that dark is bad — you know what I mean, right?