When Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) went public with the results of a recent DNA test, she unknowingly launched the next stage in the evolution of identity politics. After years of hearing conservatives mock, ridicule, and laugh at her for her tenuous claims of Native American heritage, the senator finally took a test revealing that she is so white she makes Mitt Romney look like Samuel L. Jackson.
But Warren’s apparent bravery has ignited a new movement, one which will change the face of American society forever. Despite the fact that Warren has – at maximum – 1.5% Native American ancestry, the left mobilized to affirm her minority status. Her revelation has opened the door for millions of Americans to follow Warren’s lead.
One Drop Rule Revisited
As a result of this new awakening, progressives have declared that the country will bring back the “one drop” rule. While this rule has decidedly racist origins, Americans can now use it to advance society. Put simply, if you have at least 1.5% of a particular ancestry, you can claim that minority status as your own.
Are you a white man with 2% South American ancestry? Congratulations! You’re now Hispanic. Perhaps you’re a black man with a splash of Scottish blood. Well, guess what, now you get to play the black card and benefit from white privilege.
This new societal phenomenon has been titled “Intersectional Mobility.” Americans can now move to any part of the intersectional hierarchy they wish. You are now entitled to be a much of a victim as you desire.
This paradigm shift has already provided a better standard of life for many. Lila Lankford, a progressive activist, told Liberty Nation how the country has been transformed. “They always said whites would become the minority in 2040, but Warren just sped up the process,” she said, “We can all be oppressed now!”
Intersectional Mobility Takes America By Storm
Intersectional mobility has already made an incredible impact on the lives of many Americans from all backgrounds. Scores of local former white college students showed up at their nearest safe spaces to turn in their white privilege cards and exchange them for race cards. Jacob Todd, a student at USC said, “Having white privilege was great and all, but my ultimate desire was to be able to call someone racist whenever I feel like it. With this race card, the sky’s the limit!”
Todd is right. There have been several reports of previously white college students calling other students racist for no apparent reason. It appears these individuals have become drunk on the power of the race card. Tiffany Underwood, a student at UC Berkeley said:
“When I was white, I’d get so tired of people calling me a racist, and when people made me angry, I had no way to get back at them. Now that I’m black, everything has changed! The other day, I called one of my fellow students a Nazi racist Islamophobe because he was wearing an ugly vest!”
We asked Underwood why a vest would make someone racist. She responded by accusing us of questioning a “strong black woman who is fighting bigotry.”
Blacks who now identify as white are reporting a 79% quicker response rate from 911 calls, an 80% decrease in beatings from the police, and most importantly, a 110% success rate for hailing a taxi in New York City.
“We can ALL be oppressed now!”
Steven Jenkins, a black small business owner who has temporarily transitioned into a white man, told Liberty Nation how shocked he was when he managed to easily get a cab in the Big Apple in less than one minute. “Man, I couldn’t believe it,” he exclaimed. “I stood on the corner, flashed my white privilege card, and seven cabs came outta nowhere and started fighting each other for my business. It was wild!”
But it’s not just former black Americans and white students who have benefited from the movement. Everyday whites have now discovered other new privileges from using their race cards. Bill Jensen, a 48-year-old accountant claims that it has changed his life. “I can use the N-word whenever I want now,” he said, “And I don’t even have to worry about getting my jaw broken!”
There is no doubt that Senator Warren has almost single-handedly transformed America. Now that most Americans can decide what race they wish to become at a moment’s notice, they can all claim victimhood whenever they want. Even better, if they want to take advantage of white privilege, they can do so as long as they have at least 1.5% European ancestry.
Warren seems to be getting the lion’s share of the credit for the new movement, but other progressive politicians have jumped on the bandwagon. Robert O’ Rourke, who is running against Republican Senator Ted Cruz in Texas, showed how forward-thinking he was when he decided to change his name to “Beto.” He did not let the fact that he is extremely Irish stop him from embracing his imaginary Hispanic roots.
These individuals are an inspiration to the entire country. Experts predict that this movement could last for decades – or at least until everyone realizes how stupid they look. Which will happen first? Only time will tell.