Liberty Nation was recently contacted by a representative of the White House communications staff who wished to set the record straight on some recent events. Since this gentleman, who we shall refer to as Vinnie, made us an offer we couldn’t refuse, we are releasing the unredacted transcript of what he had to tell us.
Liberty Nation has been unable to verify any facts, names, times or places included in the following transcript:
“This is Vinnie, but you can call me Mister Vee. I represent some very powerful people who have brought me in to set da record straight on some things, as it were, capiche? Now, yous guys listen to me and listen good. Put this up on da webs, da socialist networking, da Facebooks and the one wid da liddle bird….all o’ dem. Do it quick, ‘cause it would be a shame if your nation woke up tomorrow with not so much liberty, yes? Like, wid just the liberty of being locked in the trunk of Cadillac…at da bottom of da Chesapeake.
“So, anyways. Let’s get to it. Da Don is not happy with dese writers….dese – what do you call ‘em? Journalists. Seems they been gettin’ some inside information, see? Seems like da Don has a rat in his organization. A dirty, stinkin’ rat! So he tinks “Maybe I flush out dis rat. Maybe I lean on a couple of dese CNN fellas; dese New York Times bozos. Maybe I make ‘em squeal.” Da Don, he’s an honorable man, see? He’s a good Boss. But he’s da top Boss, geddit? He can’t afford no rats in his outfit.
“So, he calls in Spicey. Now, Spicey’s a stand-up guy. He’s a made man. He’s gonna do what he gotta do, capiche? So next thing you know, boom! Da T.V. cameras are gone! Da Don can’t have no evidence of what he told Spicey to do, see? Dey don’t call it ‘the briefing room’ for nuttin’. You don’t play ball with Spicey and things get a little brief, you know what I mean? Fuggedaboudit!
“But Spicey, he don’t get no information. Dis rat – dis nasty, disloyal, stinkin’ liddle rat is still rattin’! Now, da Don, he don’t take kindly to failure, see? When da Don tells you – asks you – to get da job done, you get da job done. If you don’t, you had your last canole, see, on account of it being hard to eat said canole with no teeth. And dat’s de least of your troubles.
“So, da Don, he calls in dis heavy from outta town. Scaramucci, dey call him, but dey say only his own, dear mother – God rest her soul – knew his real name. She died under mysterious circumstances when he was young. Dey say he always carries a piece of her wid him – in a matchbox.
“Now, Spicey, he gets spooked when he hears about dis Scaramucci fella, so he skips town, see? Next thing you know, Scaramucci’s here and he gets to work. First order of business, he takes out Shorty. Maybe he had it comin’, maybe he didn’t. Either way, it serves as a warning. Now yous are going to hear a lot about Shorty. Da Don has connections and it may appear, to de uninitiated, that Shorty’s still the right side of de grass but, I can assure you, Shorty has been taken care of. He’s a lot shorter now, you might say.
“Anyway, Da Don and Mister Scaramucci, dey decided it’s time for da whole country to know…how….dey…do…business. You know, so dere’s no more funny stuff, in future. He wants everyone – especially those pukes in the newspapers – to know dat he’s only doing what needs to be done and it’s all legit. When da Don says it’s legit, it’s legit, capiche? Dey chose yous guys to get da word out. Dis is a great honor. So, don’t f**k it up, or yous’ll all be invited to a special briefing, if you get my drift. Have a nice day!”