Things are heating up in the race to claim trophies at the entertainment industry’s upcoming, brand new awards show. The Pervies, scheduled for January 2018, has folks chattering about who will walk off with the prestigious trophies. Harvey Weinstein was expected to eclipse – literally – everyone else at the ceremony, to be held in Roman Polanski’s basement. Perhaps not, however; rumor has it, he now faces some stiff competition from newcomers.
Meanwhile, John Conyers, eh? Who would have thought he had it in him? Interestingly enough, that’s exactly what people are saying about Kevin Spacey. See what I did there? Think about it.
Back to the Pervy Awards. Long-time face of NBC, known affectionately to his friends as Matt Plower, is a recent nominee and may insert himself into the front-runner spot. Thanks to a secret button under his desk that allowed him to lock his office door, Plower may clean up at the show – which will require extensive cleaning up. Free boxes of tissues will be handed out to all guests.
Famed Minnesota windbag Garrison Feeler, A.K.A the Scary Home Companion, is also said to be in the running for an award. The show’s organizers are concerned that his acceptance speech may last hours. In fact, they are so worried by the prospect of extended, monotonous drivel that they are considering reversing their ‘no firearms’ policy at the venue.
Al Franken is expected to receive a Lifetime Achievement honor. Joy Behar, who will be presenting the awards, said of Franken “His contributions, over many years, are greatly admired. It’s no exaggeration to say he touched us all.”
Ode To Olbermann
Silver-haired raving lunatic Keith Olbermann announced he is ending his long career as a pretend news anchor and political commentator. In an emotional farewell announcement, he screamed “I’m done, mother f*****s. You can all kiss my big f***ing a**, you right-wing, Nazi c***suckers.”
He deserves a bad poem:
Oh, Keith! Oh, Keith!
Your rants were beyond belief.
So often, you made me say “Good grief!”
I only wish I could have kicked you in the teeth,
But, now, the earth you are beneath,
And America can breathe a sigh of relief.
Oh, Keith! Oh, Keith!
[Editor’s note: Olbermann is still alive, despite having the intellect of someone who is not].
Yay! Russia Again!
The Russia conspiracy theory is still alive, at least until those who are conducting investigations are accused of sexual harassment. General Michael Flynn has confessed to lying to federal authorities on at least four occasions.
Leftist have retrieved their tinfoil hats from their closets and are waiting excitedly to find out who Flynn will throw under the bus to save his skin. Will he, though? If he does, why should anyone believe him? Yours truly has gypsy ancestors, as real as Elizabeth Warren’s Native ancestors. As such, I predict that crushing disappointment is in your future, lefties. So, turn off CNN and stop watching television until January. You simply must tune in to the Pervies.