Donning a shiny slick purple tuxedo pantsuit, hair coiffed and gleaming with unicorn dust under intense spotlights on a Manhattan stage, guest presenter for the Annual Academy of Loser Awards, Representative Maxine Waters appeared on stage. After full-body hugging Master of Ceremonies, Mitt Romney, Waters accepted the envelope from the accounting firm Weiner, Wasserman and Warner, holding the coveted winner of the Mitt Romney RINO of the Year Award.
The audience quieted to a chorus of clicking cell phone keys Tweeting real-time for CNN and MNSBC as a young starlet struggled under the weight of the yuuge trophy she was about to bestow on one adored and admired political operative.
The Rambling Preamble
After surveying her crowd, chin jutted in defiance at spotting a MAGA hat on a cameraman, the great Waters was prepared to deliver her biggest speech to date. As she began, audience eyes squinted to slits and sound check guys struggled with adjusting buttons and levers to clear her garbled oratory:
“This award is so big and important that the winner is going to impeach that Trump fella lickity-split before anymore scandals about the Democrats are found out. We can’t have any more of this silliness when we are on a mission to stop Trump invading North Crimea or some other place I can’t pronounce, and starting a nuclear war.”
Eyes from audience members darted in hopes to clarify what they had just heard as closed captioning appeared on the video screen behind Waters.
The subtitles on the screen read:
“Those conservatarian people at Liberty Nation came up with this party to celebrate the end of the biggest political year in history. This category, Mitt Romney RINO of the Year is a tribute to a true traitor to the conservative movement and embodies an ongoing defeatist and sourpuss demeanor the losers of presidential primaries and elections exhibit for seemingly an eternity. In order to be on the short list as a recipient one must have 1.) Once been a conservative, 2.) Keep up pretences that you aren’t owned by the Swamp Dwellers, 3.) Grouse and complain about anyone who does win, 4.) Sadly attempt to stay relevant in the public eye by any means possible.”
The nominees for the prestigious award were numerous and included Senators John McCain and Mitch McConnell, sore loser candidate Jeb Bush along with 41 and 43, former Congressman and current TV personality Joe Scarborough, and has-been media darling, the sultry Megyn Kelly (Kelly won an award earlier for fastest career implosion and is not expected to win in this category).
“Drum roll, please,” barked Waters, as she tapped her long orchid nails on the podium and opened the envelope:
“And the winner is … my very good friend, although I love all RINOs, Joe Scarborough! The man who will impeach Trump for Making America Great Again. Lord, how I hate that campaign slogan. And what did we have? I’m With Her? How are we supposed to work with that? A stuffed opossum could have beat her.”
After much sloppy kissing with fiancé Mika, Scarborough brushed a hand through his hair and ascended the stairs to accept his trophy from the nubile starlet, who appeared to not recognize the Morning Joe.
After wrestling the microphone from Waters, and having security remove her from the stage, Scarborough whipped out his prepared speech (James Comey was in charge of keeping the nominations secret), adjusted his spectacles and wiped a tear from his eye. Voice cracking with emotion, he began his remarks:
“I proudly accept this award. To be selected from an honorable group of RINOs I am humbled to be better than them all. And Mika tells me so. I have spent years honing my skills at faking being a good Republican with conservative values. Two wives–those vows obviously meant nothing, all of those boring committees in Congress, and I really had you fooled when I signed that Contract with America, promising to stay true to the cause. Yes, I am now a hen-pecked man, relinquishing my airtime to my ravishingly boring co-star who I will marry soon and we will Trump bash at Mar a Lago on our honeymoon. Yes, I once claimed to be Republican. But that’s over now. Now I am just another elitist; a hypocritical and narcissistic media guy whose past hasn’t caught up with him yet.”
And then he made his excuses for leaving early, having a prior engagement to attend a key party hosted at Matt Lauer’s swinging new bachelor pad on Staten Island. The microphone was handed back to the grinning and ever-presidential appearing Mitt Romney for the rest of the program.