Editor’s Note: From the Back Forty is Liberty Nation’s longest-running and most popular weekly column. Capturing the truth each week from heartlanders in flyover states, LN gives voice to the hard-working Americans otherwise ignored by the coastal elites.
For those citizens safely residing in the heart of America — away from coastal criminal exploitation — a week passed without a train derailment. At the same time, the president took another short hop to spread his campaign message. But flyover folks settled in to discuss a giant clam and an unfathomable bondage-themed drag queen show for moms and their babies. Meanwhile, the governor of California ignored a blizzard to troll a potential political rival and now both are testing the patience of the electorate.
What a Drag Queen
It’s themed the CABA-BABA-RAVE, and if one is into that kind of kink, the following performance may be a long time coming. The reason? A secret video of drag people gyrating, hanging from the ceiling, and twerking for a baby’s attention was leaked. It went viral. Most troubling was the moms in the audience encouraging a nearly naked dude to roll around on the floor or use stripper moves in front of their children. A variety of backlash immediately had the drag men scurrying for cover in all directions. Gays Against Groomers was particularly incensed, blasting messages to followers on Twitter who obviously felt the need to hit the share button. Finally, the group, self-described “coalition of gays against the sexualization, indoctrination, and medicalization of children under the guise of “LGBTQIA+,” released the hounds, so to speak, with a Tweet:
“Every adult in this room is complicit in the sexual harassment of a child. We must continue to fight against the culture war aiming to steal our children from us. This is not about love and acceptance. This is blatant perversion and harassment.”
Of course, from a keyboard, a CABA-BABA representative released a statement only a drama queen could compile; complete with pearl-clutching and fearing the horrible trolls that made life miserable. It read in part, “These trolls specifically have a problem with drag artists and non-binary performers performing for children, which is exceptionally sad.”
That was quite enough for Heartlanders. Ironically, Stella McClure in the Show Me State nailed it: “Mums need to realize being a mother is their priority. Get a sitter and have a pint. Mothers have done this for decades. Too many self-absorbed who feel their wants outweigh everything else.” In Florence, KY, Kathy Jo Besselman wagged a virtual finger, “Shame-shame on these parents; they don’t even deserve that title God blessed them with.” But John McLeroy in Georgia took the gloves off: “Every adult there should be under investigation from Child Protective Services.”
Declare or Get Off the Pot
President Joe Biden is attempting to get a feel for whether he is still the savior of the nation’s soul but has yet to declare his intentions. So far, former President Trump and his onetime ally-turned-annoying thorn in his side, former US Ambassador Nikki Haley, have dared to toss their caps in the ring, along with Democrat Marianne Williamson. So why all the tilting at Florida windmills from California? A couple of high-profile state governors seem to want to run for president but just don’t know how exactly.
Governor Gavin Newsom
is not much of a prepper for natural disasters, although he should be well-versed after years at the top of the California political food chain. But alas, the handsome governor, instead of watching the Weather Channel, was too busy trolling Florida’s Governor Ron DeSantis on Twitter. He missed the part that warned of a potentially deadly blizzard blowing into the Golden State. Old Man Winter showed up with snows that closed roads, trapped residents in their homes, and left thousands without food or heating fuel.
Flyover patriot Tom Wolk said, “Mr. Brillcream makes it easy pickings between him and Ron, but I’m a Trump man.” And in Bristol, TN, Jean Bennett piped in with, “I don’t think he believed his hell would actually freeze over…it is global warming climate change after all.”
Flyover folks would prefer Newsom and DeSantis to either declare or zip their lips.
The Clam Lives on With a Cool Moniker
Americorps member Blaine Parker was mining for fresh shellfish off Alligator Point, FL, to make a chowder supper when he came across a hefty clam. An Ocean Quahog, Arctica Islandica, to be exact. But instead of cracking the mollusk open, he consulted with his folks at Gulf Specimen Marine Lab, feeling there was something exceptional about this big boy. The lab confirmed this crusty guy was further south than most (they range from Newfoundland to North Carolina) and was 214 years old – having the same birth year as Abraham Lincoln. Since the clam was found on President’s Day, he was named Aber-Clam Lincoln and set free.
Flyover folks love this kind of happy-ending critter story. Aber-Clam’s history inspired Smarty-pants Gordon Wojdyla in Illinois to explain, “Wow, if it could only talk the stories it could tell. ‘At first, I was a fertilized egg. After 12 hours, I became a Trochophore. After 96 hours, I entered the Veliger stage for ten days; then, I morphed into a juvenile clam. After two years, I became an adult clam and for hundreds of years have been filter feeding in the mud.’” Trav Schock in Michigan found Aber-Clam’s story simply “Clamtastic.”
