Last week gave us the saga of two famed purveyors of Italian-style food. The bigger story involved Olive Garden and its greatest fan, Vincent “Vino” Malone, who has a blog dedicated to his quest to eat all the pasta the restaurant can produce. The other far less interesting tale involves the Democratic Party’s desperate attempt to remain relevant by starting its own chain of pizza restaurants. At least that is how it appears, given the party’s new slogan.

First, Mr. Malone, who ran afoul of Olive Garden’s legal department by using the restaurant’s name on his blog, which is devoted to the Olive Garden. Malone penned a letter to Olive Garden’s attorneys after they brought the matter to his attention. His letter is as reasonable as it is hilarious and we, at Liberty Nation, hope that the restaurant’s parent company comes to its senses, takes no further action against Malone and provides him with copious quantities of free pasta. Also, they should send us some bread sticks for mentioning their superb restaurants.

Call Democrats what you want, but don’t ever accuse them of not being able to spot a good opportunity to enrich themselves. Having failed at politics, the party has apparently decided to re-brand itself as a pizza restaurant. The first order of business was to come up with a catchy tagline. In the true spirit of taking something from someone else, rather than producing it yourself, Democrats nabbed Papa John’s “Better Ingredients, Better Pizza.” A couple of tweaks and, according to Vox, they launched “A Better Deal: Better Skills, Better Jobs, Better Wages.”

This would be a terrible slogan for a political party; it is too long, too narrowly-focused, contains punctuation and is just, well, too sucky. The only conclusion to be drawn is that this is a whole new concept in building a pizza chain from the ground up. A better deal being, one would think, some promotional pricing. Since this is the Democratic Party, it will probably be one pizza for the price of six. Better skills, better jobs, better wages all refer to their recruiting drive. This would fit in with left-wing thinking; hire millions of people, then figure out what they are going to do.

Current and former U.S. officials, who will remain anonymous because they are fictional characters, have already hinted at what the new restaurant chain will offer. The signature crust, in honor of the Democrats’ favorite Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, will be ‘thin and crispy’. ‘The Pelosi’ has been described as having secret ingredients. “You’ll have to eat the pizza to find out what’s in it!”

‘The Maxine’ is said to be almost entirely tasteless but will come with a free James Brown wig. ‘The Schumer’ comes with cheap wine.

Some regional specials will be offered, such as in New Jersey, where ‘The Son of a Beach’ will come with a signed photograph of Chris Christie. The thoughtful inscription will read “This is my pizza! Chris xxx.”

For dine-in customers, one experience not to be missed will be ordering ‘The Bernie’. It will be horrendously expensive and the patron will be required to pay in advance. When the pizza is ready, the staff bring it to the table then slice it up into tiny pieces, giving one to everyone else in the restaurant. As the diner who ordered ‘The Bernie’ looks down at their empty plate, the staff return to the table and scream ‘Fascist!’ right in their face. Terrific.

Every dish will come with “Anonymous Sauce,” one official didn’t tell us.

Rumor has it the party is still working on a name for their new venture. According to Russian intelligence, the ideas in contention include ‘Papa John’s’, ‘Domino’s’, ‘Pie in the Sky’, ‘Tom’s Big F**king Pizzas’ and ‘The Trump-Russia Collusion Pie Co.’

All shtick aside, this purported new party slogan sums up the current state of the Democratic Party; a feckless group of ingrates with no ideas, no imagination and nothing constructive to add to the nation or to the debate. It is, without a doubt, the stalest and most uninspiring slogan since “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!” Western civilization, as a whole, would be better off if Democrats spent more time making pizza and a lot less time stirring up racism and political violence.


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Graham J Noble

Political Correspondent & Satirist at

Raised and inspired by his father, a World War II veteran, Graham learned early in life how to laugh and be a gentleman. After attending college, he decided to join the British Army, where he served for several years and saw combat on four continents. In addition to being a news and politics junkie, Graham loves laughter, drinking and the outdoors. Combining all three gives him the most pleasure. Individual liberty is one of the few things he takes seriously.



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