As the United States struggles to cope with unprecedented numbers of migrants from Central America, President Donald Trump recently threatened to close America’s southern border. If he were to follow through on this warning, what are the consequences? Is it even possible for life in America to go on without stuff from Mexico? In the immortal words of Bart Simpson: “Ay caramba!”
Trump’s first two years in office has been marked by one manufactured crisis after another. Civilization itself has been on the very brink of collapse at least once a month since January 2017. Trump’s policies have, so we are told, caused the deaths of so many Americans that Democrats have fought tooth and nail to allow tens of thousands of migrants from Central America to flood into the U.S. just to fill up all the empty space. There is, however, one very real crisis approaching humankind faster than Speedy Gonzalez on steroids. It is the potential closing of the border.
Mexico is famous for many things, but, above all, it is famous for being The United States of America’s chaotic southern neighbor. Those lucky enough to get the chance to visit Mexico will find ancient ruins, sacrificial altars, and evidence of a once-mighty civilization, long ago vanquished by disease, constant warfare, and complete social collapse – and that’s just Juarez on a Friday evening.
Where else in the world can one wander the streets at sundown, gathering the scattered, severed heads of people who pissed off the local cartel while mariachi music assaults the eardrums and the essence of roasting chilies and day-old tacos clears the sinuses so completely that one can actually smell a night watchman passing gas in the Dominican Republic?
American journalists are already terrified at the prospect of what a border closure means, in terms of the terrible deprivations they and their countrymen will surely suffer. An avocado shortage is certain. The poor saps will be forced to eat regular toast for breakfast and, to make matters worse, they may have no tequila – the only liquor on earth that makes gin taste good by comparison – to wash it down with.
Across the nation, walls will be half-built, dishes half-washed, tile half-laid and grass – much like most journalists – half-cut. Taco Bell will be just Bell. Cinco de Mayo will be … well … Cinco de Mayo, since it is more widely celebrated in the U.S. than in Mexico but there will be no piñatas. Never mind, though, there is another Mexican-sounding, hollow and ridiculous object that small children could beat with sticks: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
The greatest fear leftists have about a potential border closure, though, is related to climate change. As the temperature rises and humans cling desperately to their last 12 years on the planet – gasping in the merciless sun – they will need sombreros more than ever.
So if you are reading this, Mr. President, we all implore you to not close the border as America simply cannot survive without all the wonderful things that come across it. Do build that wall, though; otherwise, what are the folks in Laredo going to have to pound on to tell the folks in Nuevo Laredo that it’s two thirty in the damn morning and turn that bloody mariachi music off?