Is this the best Christmas ever or the worst? The White House is about to issue a Christmas message from President Donald Trump, yet the left-wing media – otherwise known as the Democratic Party Press Office – points to a new study that says Christmas 2017 is, in fact, the worst Christmas ever.
The study was conducted by a team of anonymous sources, current and former federal officials, people with knowledge of Christmas, Hollywood stars who haven’t yet been accused of sexual harassment and former British intelligence agents. It concludes that the first Christmas with Donald Trump in the White House is, in fact, a global tragedy on a scale never seen before.
Best Christmas Ever
The White House Christmas message, written by the President himself, is published here exclusively before it is leaked to any other media outlet:
Merry Christmas, America!
This Christmas is a great Christmas. A big, beautiful Christmas. Probably, the greatest Christmas ever. Even better than the first one, which was held in Bethlehem, despite pledges from God to hold it in Jerusalem. This year, billions and billions of presents have been distributed to Americans. Little girls who ask for ponies every year actually got real ponies this year, and not some Chinese-made crap from Walmart.
In past years, Santa Claus would park billions and billions of Christmas presents overseas because of our horrible tax code. It was really a terrible tax code, trust me. All over the world, children would get presents meant for American children. The countries in which these children live then vote against us at the United Nations. SAD! The system is rigged. Our UN Ambassador, Nikki Haley, said we would be taking names and we did. We put these names on a list and we checked it twice. We took steps to ensure that Santa did not visit these naughty countries.
Also, the following people did not get anything for Christmas: Crooked Hillary, Lyin’ Chuck Schumer, Leakin’ James Comey, illegal immigrants, the 9th Circuit, the Failing New York Times and rest of the Fake News Media.
Thanks to our historic reform of the tax code, which we worked very hard to get done before the end of the year, Santa was able to bring all those presents back to America. This created more jobs as companies hired more people to make more wrapping paper, double-sided tape, those little bows. We love those little bows, don’t we? Also, extra workers to handle all the returns.
We will no longer allow other countries to steal our presents, believe me. We’re making Christmas merry again, we’re making Christmas politically incorrect again, we’re making Christmas American again and, yes, we’re making Christmas great again!
Yule Be Sorry!
Several media reports are suggesting that the President is not telling the truth, however. The newly-released study cites the following findings: The Republican tax bill lead to 423 billion Americans losing their health insurance and almost 400 billion of them have already died, as a result. Of those Americans still living, the wealthiest 1% received 99% of all the Christmas presents. Santa Claus is, in fact, a Putin stooge; a fact proven by his red uniform. Most importantly, Hillary Clinton is not the president.
The study also reveals that, because hundreds of government regulations have been rolled back, Santa Claus – a white supremacist – was able to commit the following crimes: operating an unlicensed aircraft, animal cruelty, human trafficking (of children disguised as ‘elves’) and 320 million counts of breaking and entering. Additionally, at least three women have reported Claus for referring to them as prostitutes. Several Democratic lawmakers have called for the president to be impeached and special counsel Robert Mueller has subpoenaed Claus to testify.
Proof is In The Figgy Pudding
As further proof of how bad Christmas has been this year, the study says “climate change.” Not only climate change, but police brutality. Also, women’s rights, Nazis, and Russia. Pretty conclusive.
Speaking on the floor of the House of Representatives, even though no-one else was there, Maxine Waters (D – Lusional) said, “I intend to introduce a resolution to declare Christmas 2017, officially, the worst Christmas ever. Unnecessary? Yes. Insane? Yes.” Drooling slightly, Waters began chanting “Impeach 45!”
Completely Pointless Subheading
For Trump supporters, this is the best Christmas ever, until next year, which will be the best Christmas ever. For everyone else – assuming you survive the plagues, the death camps, the poverty and the Four Horsemen, try to make the best of it.
What is figgy pudding, anyway? Discuss.
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